I must admit I’m still a little bitter you just wouldn’t talk to me those last months.
As time goes on it wanes a little each day. In some odd ways things are looking brighter. I’m more optimistic about my future, and what it holds. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t have at least tried. I watched you let the light in your heart slowly fade, and in the last days the more I reached out the faster it dimmed. I knew for a long time when you said things were great and that I was just being silly when I would try and ask you what was happening, that it wasn’t true. You lead me to believe that I was just being paranoid the whole time, seeing things that weren’t there. However, I wasn’t crazy or paranoid the whole time. I knew deep down that I wasn’t seeing the whole picture, that you had simply resigned to drifting apart. I also understand that I may never know why you stopped trying, and that hurts the most. I wanted so badly to make things last, but when communication was failing I had to make a choice. I think that was what made it so terrible. I knew something was happening, but I couldn’t get you to open up. I will admit, it was tempting to go about reciprocating the distance, closing my heart off piece by piece until things finally fell through; I knew if I took that path the pain would ease and I could quietly drift away rather than hurt myself further by resisting. “Drive until we lose the road.. Or break with the ones we followed.” I chose the former despite the fact that I knew it was only going to make things worse if I couldn’t get you to talk to me. I kept trying more and more, making sure you were always the first person I spoke with in the morning and the last before I slept. I remember laying next to you in bed those nights, cuddled up next to you while you slept, and it was all I could do not to break down then and there. I can’t honestly tell you how many nights I thought to myself “Enjoy this while you can, at this rate any day now could be the last time you’ll ever get to hold her,” but it was more than I would have been willing to count. I just don’t understand when the dynamic shifted. We’d seen so many struggles throughout the years; long nights at university, working full time, the both of us some semesters. Circumstances that naturally made things difficult, but throughout all those days, we held on to each other. In fact we got each other through them I like to think. Regardless of how awful our hand in life was dealt each round, we were always all in together. We walked through the hardest times of our lives together, and you were always my rock. I fell so completely in love with you for that, again and again, as one trial after another washed over and past us and we’d never faltered. That rock solid foundation was so important to me. I wont lie and say that there weren’t times where I had my share of difficulties with the relationship. Things I had to sacrifice up, friends I had to leave behind, temptations to ignore. But I’d always considered these things minor to yourself and my heart grew more and more entwined with you each challenge bested. My friends tried to convince me these things are fallacies to believe in, especially in the aftermath. But I wont let what happened change that about me. Love is a fight at times. The reality is, nothing in this world is perfect, no one is above temptation. There will always be more attractive or convenient options. I can honestly say though throughout all those years, I have nothing to hide. No secret betrayals, a moment or two of weakness where I stumbled, but never fell. Never so much as held hands with another all those years. It might not have been mutual, but I look back and I do not regret the love I held. I never could bring myself to let that light die. I never wanted to, and I’m glad I didn’t let it until you decided to extinguish it yourself. Even over the past year when I knew I was just leaving myself exposed, allowing myself to give more and more into that commitment to stay true to you. That kind of love is unique, albeit it foolish when invested in the wrong people. But I look forward to finding that love in another some day. I thought we had it, for a long long time. I’d never felt so disappointed, hurt, and confused that you left me like that. So traumatically. I had committed everything of me in you and you just left me out there alone so suddenly in the end. That wasn’t even the worst of it, you were my best friend in this world and you left that behind too when I needed it the most. I lost so much in you, so quickly, and had given up so much along the way that I truly felt left with nothing in the end. Thrown away like refuse. I’m beginning to forgive you for that now, but you will never understand how much you took from me. I know it wasn’t easy on you either, but while you pulled away to lessen the burn, I stood closer and closer to the fire for you. I thought we were going the distance, and I’d have stood against the edge of the world for you, for as long as it took to see it through. That’s why I say you cannot possibly fathom how much more it hurt me. You let me go in the end and let yourself wash away with that last tide. Today that tide has passed, and I’m still standing, waiting for the one that will stand beside me when things are are difficult, hold tight when the ebb and flow of life tries to pull us apart. That love is unique, and it is the way I will always love. You did not change that and I hope you learn to love like that one day, and that you find one who will love you that way as well. I’m not sure how many chances we get at something like that in life, and that’s why it was so hard. I was just looking at it the wrong way, I hadn’t lost my chance at that at all, you simply were not my chance for that kind of love all along. I had thought for the longest you were, but time reveals all. None the less, I hope nothing but the best for you while you find your new road, and I hope that you do find another chance at a love like that but I’ve yet to see one like it myself in anyone else.