H,
It’s been nearly five months now. They have been the hardest five months of my life. I never considered losing you out of my life and clearly took it for granted.

I’ll say this now that this isn’t supposed to provoke guilt. At the end of the day I can’t change how you feel towards me now sadly, but this letter is an admission of regret on my part.

When I last saw you, it destroyed me to see how disappointed you were to see me at your door. It was gut wrenching, I knew it would do no good coming round to ask the question of if you hated me or not. Yes you said you didn’t hate me, but I could see deep down I was the last person you wanted to lay your eyes on that day.

I know you were angry with the fact I had kept in touch with your mum via email to see how the family were doing, yes I still email from week to week if I am feeling the hopelessness take over again. I can tell even she grows bored of my messages.

I was a terrible boyfriend – immature and insensitive. I honestly didn’t realise this at the time, my only goal was to make you as happy as I possibly could. However now I know I clearly made a tonne of mistakes that made you unhappy.

The fact I made you unhappy even in the slightest is probably what hurts the most. You were everything to me, how could I be so stupid as to make you feel this way. Truely I am sorry but I feel it’s too late for that now.

Christmas is coming up, I’ve already been through missing your birthday and what would have been our four year anniversary so I suppose Christmas is another event I should just keep quiet and not get in touch.

I hope this doesn’t indicate to you that I don’t want to talk but I’m trying so hard to respect your wishes of wanting space. I do hope your birthday was incredible and you had a lovely Christmas.

I’m sure your friends will get a good laugh out of this letter – probably tell you to bin it. Tell you I’m just some weirdo ex now who can’t let go. Funny thing is even I think that now, I’m sorry for coming off like this.

Anyway I’ll be going now, I hope not to break this no contact thing again, I am sorry for disrespecting your wishes.

I know you said being friends couldn’t happen overnight but I hope we aren’t far from being able to have a chat over coffee or something just to clear the air. I’ve come to terms with not being in your life as your boyfriend but I cannot endure not being in your life at all. I’ll never stop caring for you.

I do hope we can talk soon
J