Silly me

Silly me

Silly me

LTME-postIt’s Christmas eve and I can only think of how it would be if you were around like we had planned. We’d meet shortly before Christmas, you’d meet my parents, everything would be out for the world to see and this would be the happiest Christmas of my life. My first Christmas with you. You’d stay for good, until next year was over and I could leave with you. We’d kiss when the clock screamed 00:00 on January 1st 2017. But you were gone long before that. You didn’t want me and it still hurts. No matter how little the relationship was or how long it’s been since you’ve left me, it still hurts a whole lot. I miss you so much, so so much. You were my only friend and I guess that was the problem, that’s why it still hurts.
You know, this should be a cute and highly heartbreaking letter but I just can’t hold on to things I can’t actually say to you.
Are you aware I was your rebound? Perhaps it wasn’t intentional, that’s why I’m asking, but you never truly loved me. Did you? If you had you wouldn’t have left me for such a silly thing. So far this is what kills me inside. I hate it, I hate to realize I was just a bridge for you and now that you’ve crossed it I’m far behind you. You’ve moved on, you’re happy now, you’re different. But you’ve moved on from your failed marriage, not from me. You never had to move on from me, it was automatic. I wonder if you really miss me, at least my friendship and companionship. If, sometimes, you see things that reminds you of me and if my name ever pops up in your head casually.
All those talks we had after the breakup showed me you don’t really care and it pisses me off that I never say anything. I still feel like I shouldn’t break your heart though you don’t really have one. I managed to keep a cold speech, a simple speech while you went on and on about things that make you excited and you never cared if everything was fine with me. “Good luck with whatever is going on with you” is the best you can say for me, isn’t it? No love and no support. It’s not ok now, but one day it’ll be.
I’m sorry for myself. I forgave you that day, when we had that major talk, but truth is I don’t. You know I don’t hate you but I simply can’t forgive you. If you can’t stand the burden of a young girl, then don’t even try. Don’t break someone else’s heart, ok? You were my first love and I’ll always remember it. You’ll be a great memory melted into a horrible experience. You’d be my first, one and only, remember? You lied. Silly me for still loving and caring about you.

Truly and always yours,

Rebecca.

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