Crushed.

Crushed.

Crushed.

LTME-postDear my beautiful love,
We’ve been together since we were 16. You once jokingly told me you’d seriously consider marrying me if we hit the 5 year mark. I held onto that.
We grew up together, we experienced many things for the first time together, went through our honeymoon stage, went into adulthood together, argued against each other, but we kept continually growing our inseparable bond.
We just broke up two days ago and I’m absolutely crushed. We’re only one mere month shy of 5 years.
I understand that we’re still young, but you are and always will be my first true love. I desperately wanted a future with you.
I’m incredibly sad that we have the same long term goals, but the paths we each have chosen to get there are too severely different. This breakup was so loving, so tender, there was no resentment, no anger towards each other, just pure and simple love for one another. And it was because of love that we decided for a mutual break up.
We went on one last date to end our relationship on a good note, we drove two and a half hours to the beach and stayed the night. We spoke of our favorite memories with each other, we spoke of our love for each other, we spoke not only of the possibility of being together again when we were both ready in the future, but also bracing for the possibility that we may never be together again. I told you how much I would desperately miss you. And you told me the same. I dreaded the end of that day as we neared it. All the care and love that had grown in the past 5 years would have to come crashing down at the end of the day when we said our final goodbyes. In the two days that have passed, I’ve been in despair.
I spent the first day trying to accept the break up to no avail. I missed you so much, I wanted you back.
Everything reminded me of you, even as I went out with friends who tried to console my broken heart.
I changed passwords, ringtones, pictures, usernames, everything and anything that had traces of you. Even your hair that always somehow found its way to my green jacket. Everything reminded me of you. Everything. I told myself I will be strong and that I will power through the pain and hurt. That you will be okay and that you will power through the pain.
Today I finally broke, the final straw came after I withdrew money from the ATM at the bank and entered my car where my sister and my friend were waiting. My sister asked if I could disconnect my phone via Bluetooth from my stereo so she could connect her phone and listen to her music. So I disconnected my phone. But she couldn’t connect her phone because there was a limit to how many phones could be connected and stored in the stereo system. I said “No problem, I’ll just delete one to make room.” As I went through the settings to delete one of the phones that were stored on my system, I came to the realization that your phone info was still stored in the settings. I said “it’s alright, I’ll just delete hers since she will no longer be sitting in my front passenger seat anymore.” I didn’t think much of it for a few seconds. Then that was it, that was the breaking point. I didn’t want to delete you, I wanted you like never before. I wanted you to remain as my love.
And suddenly I felt like crying. I announced to my passengers that I felt like crying. And when they told me to let it out, I lost it. Tears welled up and I bawled my eyes out, I cried and cried and cried. I had never cried this hard in my adult life. I felt so lost, so hopeless, a part of me had disintegrated and left a gaping hole in my heart. If this was only the second day, how could I possibly survive the coming days, weeks, and months? I know it’s not the end of the world, but the pain of losing my first love is just becoming increasingly unbearable.

I’m constantly questioning our decision to part ways, I desperately want to run to you and tell you that I change my mind, that I will change my actions so that they would coincide with your goals, so we could spend our future together. I know that you’re also suffering. That you miss me, that you’re also bawling your eyes out. But as I write this letter that you’ll never read, I know that we will be stronger in the long run. I just know that you will grow into the strong, independent, and successful woman you always tell me you want to be. I don’t want to hold you back and tie you down. No matter how much pain we are in, we will come out on the other side and I wish you the absolute best. If we never find each other, I hope you find someone who will love you more than I ever could have, that will give you what I couldn’t at this point in my life.
I know I’ve said most of this already, but I am truly rooting for you. Be you. I will always love you.

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