I don’t know why I love you.
I can’t figure it out. I’ve never thought you were that attractive. You’re overweight, you can’t grow a beard but you don’t shave, you don’t dress well or take care of yourself. You have beautiful eyes though and when you laugh, because it’s so rare, the sound catches in my ears and I melt in the moment. Your laugh makes me feel proud and special and I’m happier because you are happier. Or were. Maybe it’s because you’re cool. You were the guy that everyone likes. You’re confident, unwavering (or maybe that’s just stubborn), hysterical, fun, intelligent, capable. So capable that you didn’t even need me.
And that is where it fell apart.
Fuck you, Matt. You did not want this. You did not want all of me. A person is not a fucking buffet. You cannot pick and choose the parts of people that you are willing to love. I can’t fucking believe how many times I had to say “we have to talk.” or “you love party emily.” Not the real me. Because yeah, I am willing to see how you had a different image of me, considering you had only ever known me in a party setting. When I was hot, and fun, and social, and dancing. That is not fucking me, and I don’t want it to be. I LIKE ME. I like that I prefer to stay home and cultivate my mind, or let it fucking rot in front of the TV. You said that was you too. You’re full of shit. You said you loved all of me. Then why the fuck didn’t we ever talk about me? 4 months with me, and you don’t know shit. Why didn’t you push to be with Elle? If I had really mattered to you, none of the problems we had, would have been problems. You fucking hated talking to me and I fucking hated talking to you. We couldn’t talk about anything serious without it being completely miserable. Fuck you for making me feel like “too much”. I’m not too much, I’m not crazy, I’m not exhausting or even demanding. I just wanted an adult, grown up relationship and you wanted a fuck buddy to giggle with. I wanted family, and deep moments, and you wanted to get high and watch The Walking Dead. I wanted to stay in and talk, and you wanted be with your friends. I wanted to shroom and fuck and you still wanted to be with your friends. And you can run your mouth all day with your lame fucking excuses. If you had wanted me, you could have had me, you wanted other things. And you are welcome to them now. Have fun, live in your bachelor pad, grow old with your gang of bros, have your empty relationships, because I have everything I want now.
I have someone I never fight with. That I never question, because I never have to. I know exactly where we stand at all times, and he stands right beside me. He knows everything about me and he loves me more because of it. Our love confounds me sometimes, how can something so sweet and so fulfilling come so easily? I fought for months to try and be happy with you Matt, I almost compromised my happiness with Drew over you, and I am so grateful that I had the foresight to get you the fuck away from me. I don’t know what you will find. I wish I didn’t fantasize about a woman driving you insane, taking you to the brink of insanity and pulling you back…. just a little…. every time. I want you to teeter there on the fucking edge, and I hope this woman makes you feel small, and stupid, and insignificant and disappointing, just the way you made me feel. And then I hope you live in anguish for a while, licking your wounds, occasionally cutting a fresh one, lost in the dark, stumbling around, missing me. Missing every minute that you wasted with me. Regretting every instance you were a fucking coward, because I was worth it, you fucking asshole. I was worth it. You will not find better than me, because you never deserved me in the first place.
All I want is for you to know, as well as I do, that you were a complete piece of shit. A HUGE disappointment, and that I regret every minute I wasted with you. l wish that when I had broken up with you the first time, you had fucking let me. I didn’t want you anymore, I knew better and you made me doubt myself. FUCK YOU. I hate this. I hate that I have to go through this because of you, I hate that you are ever on my mind when you don’t deserve to be, our relationship was bullshit.
Drew and I, that is what’s real.
There is real love here. Real. Stable. Comforting. My relationship with Drew is like, an eye of a storm. No matter what disaster is happening outside of us, if the fucking world is crashing down, locusts, plagues, giant sister twisters complete with cows flying over our heads, whatever, we know that we’re okay. We’re calm, we’re centered, we’re mocking the cows. Where we are, love is, and we’re safe. We don’t even have to say that to each other, we just know.
I want you to have that someday, maybe, I don’t know. I want to say that and I want it to be true coming out of my mouth but I don’t know that it really is. I am scorned and I am pissed and I’m so pissed because you made me feel like something was wrong with me and that what I was asking for didn’t exist, WELL LOOKAT THIS! I believed you, that makes me so disappointed in myself. I trusted your judgement more than mine and you were so fucking wrong.
I have everything I want, and Drew loves loving me. It isn’t hard for him, it’s hard for him not to be with me lol
So yeah, I don’t wish anything for you. You don’t matter to me anymore.
What I wish, is that I will grow the fuck up. Forgive you for being a stupid, stupid, stupid, asshole. I wish for me that I stop caring one way or another what happens in your life, because it doesn’t affect me and it never will. I wish that I bury you, deep deep deep deep down where you never see the sun. I wish for myself that I am given amnesia, and the part of my life where I saw you every day, is gone from my memory, I gained nothing from you.
Goodbye, and good riddance.
And what the fuck kind of name is Lunchbox?