An Affair To Remember… Forever

An Affair To Remember… Forever

An Affair To Remember… Forever

LTME-postDearest Angel,

It’s been almost six years since our affair ended. March. It’ll be six years in March. Not more than a small handful of days has gone by in all those years when I haven’t thought of you. I thought it would get easier, that I would forget you, re-commit to my marriage, and start over with my wife. Though she deserves better than me (and so do you), the deep-seated flaws in our relationship remain. Plus, other stress-inducing issues have crept in, making it hard to go forward. I once described my lingering feelings for you as a “sea anchor”- holding me in place, keeping me from becoming a better husband, father, and friend. That is as true now as it was in 2013, when we briefly communicated in the mutual search for closure. I am quietly, miserably functioning on a day-to-day basis. I think there are many middle-aged men like me who feel the same.

This is not to excuse my behavior (or yours)- the affair was wrong, the deception and lies a stain upon both of us. But, the feelings remain. Sadly. I wish I could just turn them off, but I cannot. What we felt as 17 year old kids, me the clueless American in the middle of Hickville, USA and you the wide-eyed, courageous foreign exchange student who entered my world via Fate, ignited into an intense, nearly all-consuming, and passionate affair, even though we were half a world away from one another. But the flame that burns brightly also burns dangerously. You were right to end the affair in such a way that there could be no turning back, no backsliding into re-igniting the flame- we’d gone down that road several times before.

And now, I’ve just found out that you’re married (I think). I figured it was bound to happen, it’s just . . . hard to accept. Yet, I’ve no right to begrudge you your happiness- we are finished, it ended poorly, and I made my choices. For the sake of my children, for my wife, and for my standing in the community, I passed on the chance to be with you. This letter, which you’ll likely never see, is just a way of coping with the hurt. Of the thousands and thousands of words I’ve written about you since the affair ended (my form of self-therapy), these words are the hardest. Hope has died. While I’m happy for you and wish you all the best, I know that my life will likely not get any better. I bear a very large share of the blame for that gloomy outlook, so I’ve no one to be angry with but me.

Goodbye my Angel, my Darling, my “African Jungle Queen” (inside joke), my passionate lover- I miss you terribly.

4 Comments

  1. Me 1 year ago

    I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I too was in a situation simikar to yours. I wish I could tell youbit gets easier but it doesn’t. You just learn to cope. Its crazy that something so wrong was one of thr best experiences of your life.

    I tell myself, if you love something let it go.

    My heart goes out to you.

  2. The American Idiot 1 year ago

    Thanks, “Me.” As per usual with my life, things have gotten more complicated, more painful. But, I have no other option than to but shoulder the burden and carry on. Well, there’s the “walk in front of a bus” option, but that really isn’t an option. Some would say “divorce is an option,” but recent events have ruled that out, at least for the foreseeable future. So, you cope. My coping usually involves a glass of bourbon- numbing the pain. I suppose I could have *more* than a glass, but only sharpens the memories and vision of what I left behind, it doesn’t blur it.

    Your words have a great deal of wisdom (to love something enough to let it go), but I never had the courage to make the choice, it was made for me (the affair was revealed by the Other Woman, who I still have feelings for). Crazy, I know. I try to rationalize where I’m at by thinking that she, the Other Woman, is much better off now, much happier than I could have ever made her, and that I *should* take some solace in that. And, I should- we were friends before we were lovers. Still, it’s difficult.

    What I need to do know is probably find some counseling. I need to talk with someone about recent events (dire medical stuff) and where it has put me. And, related to, what I still feel about the Other Woman and how those feelings impact my marriage, currently. I used to put that off (only a weak man resorts to counseling, I thought), but now I think it will save my life. Thanks for you words of support.

  3. Isa 1 month ago

    I have both cheated and been cheated on…cheating is NEVER okay. At all. Ever. Period. Your wife deserves the truth. Your “standing in the community” doesn’t mean squat. How you stand before God, yourself, etc….that’s what really matters. If cheating has not made you realize this, then you really are hopeless.

  4. The American Idiot 4 weeks ago

    Then you would consider me hopeless, Isa. I’m not a theist, so I have no need for guilt or god in my life. I do agree, though- cheating is bad. I do feel remorse. I also feel that the years of emotional and physical neglect I dealt with (still deal with) is wrong, also. Meeting one another need’s and wants, not undercutting your spouse’s self-esteem and worth, is part of a marriage, right? Even a religious marriage has some expectations of physical intimacy, I would wager. When the “tap” on that affirmation and aspect of love gets turned off shortly after the wedding and one suffers through 15+ years, that no conversation regarding the “truth” could correct, it can lead one to make bad decisions. I’m not here to argue religion and/or fidelity, though- you live your life and I’ll live mine. I’ll not judge you; you don’t get to judge me.

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