Things I wish I’d said

Things I wish I’d said

Things I wish I’d said


I left you. I cheated on you, which I admit was very wrong. But I didn’t do it to be mean, I didn’t do it on purpose. It happened because I found someone who actually saw me. Someone who heard my words and appreciated me. You hadn’t seen me for so long, I hadn’t even realized what we had turned into. It was normal to be invisible.

We were together for 5 years. I changed so much of myself to try and be the best girlfriend for you but it was never enough. You slowly sucked the life out of me, drained my soul, extinguished my light. You manipulated me. You used me. You flirted with other women in front of me. You crushed me. You verbally abused me. And when I told you I was ending things, you punched the wall.

And when I told you I had cheated on you, you raped me.

You asked me if I had taken a shower since him, said “good, that makes this easier”, then raped me.

I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t even tell you that you had raped me, because somehow you didn’t know even though I was crying the whole time. I didn’t say anything to anyone for a while because I didn’t know it was rape. I thought I deserved it because I had cheated on you. I thought I deserved it because you had told me for years I was nothing without you. I thought I deserved it because years of being treated so awfully had warped my brain. I thought I deserved it because you made me believe I did.

Nobody deserves to be raped.

I couldn’t stop playing it in my head for so long. It took so many people and so much time to heal from you. It took someone so entirely opposite of you, who loved me, who treated me like an equal instead of property. It took so much love to fix the damage you’d done to me.

I am a mother now. I am married now. I am whole now. I can smile and be happy and be confident. I can finally breathe and enjoy my wonderful life I’ve made, despite all you did. I know the man I’m with is honest and kind and real, he doesn’t play games or lie or cheat or hurt me.

I will never forgive you. I will never talk about what you did. I will live my life without thinking about you after this letter. And I will be happy knowing at least someone reads this and knows my story.

Thank you to the love of my life, Nick, and my wonderful friends and family who brought me back to life.


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