I hate you.
I hate you for coming into my life.
I hate you for just waltzing in one fine day and appearing to be everything I wanted.
And it hurts.
Because it happened right after I dealt with the pain of losing my first love.
When I thought I would never find someone again.
You just came didn’t you.
And started touching me, looking at me like I was the most amazing thing that ever happened to you.
God I wanted to feel that one more time. It felt amazing.
But you had to leave.
And I remember crying. Because I didn’t want you too. Because I thought you would be the “what if” I didn’t want hanging over the rest of my life.
But we never know do we.
That the “what ifs” can sometimes become the worst mistake of our lives.
And how I should have ran when you told me how an emotionally unavailable piece of shit you were.
And I said that was ok.
Because I try to see past the flaws and scars and the privious hurt. Because I am the type of woman to take and love you whole not just the pieces of you.
But I hated the part of you that couldn’t give me depth. That couldn’t reach out and touch my soul.
And I felt confused. Time and time again.
How I got so annoyed having to explain it’s not natural to throw “let’s break up” after every stupid little disagreement just because you didn’t get your way.
How I tried to keep together. And I didn’t even know why I was doing it.
You and your stupid fucking double standards. How you Can be mad at me and I should never be no matter what you and I say.
How you think your stupid sarcasm and cutting remarks seem to make you a stronger individual. But I see past the mask and came to understood the insecurity and layers of hurt and betrayal.
But I loved you anyway.
I promised didn’t I. That I’d protect that heart.
But what about mine?
Where was my promise?
….. do you even know what that means?
It means to love someone with their faults. Their outbursts. Their insecurities. Their lows and their highs.
You don’t just throw away someone like a ping pong ball even life gets stressful or down….. there are so many worse things in life in the future like death and financial loss to face. Your SO, your lover, your girlfriend is supposed to be your partner in life. A team-mate. A confided. A friend. A protector. A well wisher. And someone who guides you the right path.
……I did all of this for you. I had asked nothing in return expect for your time. And love. And some affection.
But no. Affection? Saying things out loud is too hard for me you said.
“I’m trying to voice my emotions out loud but it’s hard you said”
That’s alright I said. I understand.
And I tried to pick apart every action looking for some evidence didn’t I.
Combining it with a few short Molly ridden declarations of love from you.
I get angry at times. Mostly at myself for putting myself in a such a situation again. For not realizing you were still such an emotionally immature brat.
Anyone who values money over relationships shouldn’t be in one. Ever.
Don’t destroy the ones that are looking for their happily ever after.
But I thank god every day I walked away unscathed. Just angrier and more surer of myself then I have ever been.
You didn’t take my virginity so you can’t go around saying how you fucked up my life like you did to your ex.
I will always remain untouchable. Indestructable.
It isn’t my fault you are the way you are. It isn’t my fault you scream at me for not treating you right.
It is YOU who is not treating ME right. By demanding everything and not giving anything in return.
A woman is not an aftermath or a thought that comes by in the dead of the night.
If you want that go to those strip clubs and sex bars and feel free to have much sex as you want.
I’m not surprised if you are already doing that.
Toxic. An emotional vampire. And fucking manipulative is what you are.
Thank god I got rid of you.
Angrier and angrier I get with each passing day. Because there are men like you out there.
But I’ll keep holding out for the good man instead.
I choose to still believe.
Because I deserve better then the shitty relationship you treated me with.