We were so close to having it all

We were so close to having it all

We were so close to having it all

LTME-postWhy wasn’t I good enough for you? We planned this whole life together and you just fucking smash it all.

I know I’m not perfect, but I would’ve given the world for you. I would’ve supported you and loved you through anything. Whether you had a good job or a bad one. Whether you were sick or healthy. In pain. Poor or rich.

But you? You couldn’t do the same for me, right? You didn’t feel the same way about me?

You don’t want to be “tied down?” Oh, so you just want to fuck other people then? That’s enough of a justification to throw everything away in your mind.

We haven’t been talking as much recently? That’s because you weren’t talking to me. I was at my lowest point and rather than being there for me you basically just ignored me. You couldn’t even text me now and then to check in on me and see how I was doing. No, instead you decide this is a great moment to dump my sorry ass. To get rid of all the loose baggage before you move on and start your cool job in the big city where you can fuck all these new guys who went to fancy colleges and get a fat paycheck.

Because that’s all you care about. You never cared about me as a person. You’re a selfish person who cares about titles and prestige and bullshit that doesn’t matter.

I’m not perfect but whatever was bothering you, we could’ve worked it out. We could’ve figured it out. And if it was that you just didn’t love me anymore and you thought I was a pathetic loser then you should’ve just said so. I would’ve preferred the honesty.

You said we should be making decisions for ourselves, well the decision I made to take time off from school was for my health, but it was ultimately for us. It was because I wanted to do things that were better for us. That’s why I kept looking for a job and finishing my degree in other ways and planning all of these things to build the life together that we had planned. But no, you couldn’t see past your own bullshit. If something doesn’t go 100% according to your plan then you just quit it and burn the whole thing down and run away from people who love and care about you.

That job I interviewed for on Friday I’m probably going to get. And I was really excited and I was going to tell you about it and tell you that we could start looking at apartments and start planning what we wanted to do. The life that we spent the last four years imagining and working towards was finally in sight and I had so much hope and optimism and you just fucking smashed the whole thing.

You really hurt me. You broke my heart. You said you’ve been feeling this way for a while? Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you talk to me? I was supposed to be the one person you could talk to and confide in. We were best friends. Instead you just end the whole thing and dump me with a half-assed explanation and me being left with a thousand questions. We could’ve attempted to fix it or made changes or figured something out instead of this.

You say we’ve grown apart. Well, that’s news to me. If you don’t love me anymore then why didn’t you just say that? Is there someone else? Do you just want to see and fuck other people? Is it because to you I seem like a loser and a fuck-up who had to move back home for some time? Maybe its that since you’ve barely talked to me in the last few weeks. Well, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m a fuck up who’s holding you down and preventing you from “growing.” I’m sorry I’m not as exciting or interesting as other people and that you want to spend time partying and working your cool new job. And I’m sorry you had to toss me aside and dump my ass on the curb in order to do that. I’m sorry I didn’t give or couldn’t provide what you wanted.

I realized something over the last couple days and that’s that I always actually knew what I wanted in life. Deep down, I knew what I wanted to be and do. I just wasn’t good at communicating it and that’s my fault. I was always too afraid to say it and work on a plan because I was worried about what you’d think since you’ve routinely shot down or remained skeptical about anything I want to do. I’ve always supported you and everything you’ve wanted to do and it would’ve been nice if you’d returned the favor.

You’re the one who has no idea what they want out of life. You just want your job and your money and a title next to your name and fuck everything and everyone else. Fuck anything resembling a human fucking connection. You view everything through a selfish prism of how it affects you and only you and no one else. You’re a hollow, callous person with no regard for the humanity and emotions or experiences of other people.

I’m hurt. I have a giant gaping wound in my heart and everything is fucking shattered. I don’t know if this is what you imagined when you planned this all out in your head, which I imagine you’ve been doing for sometime, but if it was, congratulations. If it wasn’t, then what the hell did you think was going to happen? Did you think we’d be great friends and everything would be normal? That I wouldn’t be in pain?

I’m so embarrassed and humiliated having to tell everyone that we broke up. After all these years and all the plans and having our families meet one another and engage with one another and open their homes to one another. I feel used and rejected and worthless. We were so close to starting that new chapter. And now its gone.

1 Comment

  1. Charline Cayron 1 year ago

    I can feel there’s hatred and regret in your letter. You’re going to be ok, maybe not now but eventually you will. Don’t let yourself endure more pain with the unanswered questions you have in your mind. Stop asking yourself why, just accept that it didn’t work out the way you want it to be. And always remember that nobody can define your worth. You deserve someone better who can see your worth. I wish you all the best.

    PS. I just thought you may need a long tight hug to make you feel that you’re not alone and somebody out of this wide universe cares of how you’re feeling right now. So i’m sending my imaginary hugs!!! 🙂
    And if ever, you can email me (charlinemaecayron@yahoo.com) if you need somebody to talk to or to vent out whatever you need to vent out. I’ll be more than happy to listen.

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