I remember walking to your house for the first time on the 16th of September, 2014. You were so attractive to me, you still are. I didn’t have much in my life but I had you and that was enough for me, but I wasn’t enough for you and that made sense to me. I remember all the blood on my hands in late October. I remember being put on morphine at the hospital. “Did you know you were pregnant?” I remember crying until my eyes bled, I didn’t know I killed what was my only chance at having a baby in my whole life. I remember when you left me the first time, you told me you didn’t have the energy but the truth was that you just didn’t have the feelings anymore. I remember the longest months of my life during the coldest winter, too scared to tell you how much I miss you. I remember taking psychedelics because I wanted to see something as beautiful as you. I remember that I couldn’t stop taking them until the visions dulled and I could never form sentences the same way again. I remember smoking a pack a day, I still do. I remember replacing meals with pain killers, walking around lightheaded, unable to remember my own name because I was so consumed in yours. I remember the first time you wanted me back, It was on April 2nd, you told me you didn’t know how much you loved me until it was too late. I remember crying so much my eyes burned for the rest of the week. I remember the first time you wrote a song about me, the lyrics made parts of my soul break apart. I remember when I would lie to everyone in my life to see you, because they all see you as the enemy where I see you as my everything. I remember trying to quit you for good. I remember falling for someone new, as great as he is I still can’t stop thinking about you. I remember you every night in my fucking dreams. I can’t stop dreaming about you and it’s destroying me. I’ve tried to bleed you out, I’ve tried to drown you out. I’ve even tried to fuck you out of me but I just can’t seem to get over you. On September 16th, It would’ve been our 3rd year together and nothing makes me more uneasy than remembering you.
I don’t want to remember anymore