It’s been almost two years. Two years of me wishing I could take it all back, wishing I could hold you again, or even simply wishing I could look you in the eyes. How could someone I knew for such a short amount of time leave such a lasting impression on me? We didn’t date for very long, a very short amount of time actually. But for some reason, you’ve never left my mind or more importantly, my heart.
I see you every now and then, whenever I decide to go north. Though, it’s always with her, the one you decided was better than I was. Sometimes you stare, sometimes you won’t even acknowledge my existence. I carry on, pretending I don’t see you. It kills me though, knowing we are in the same room and it’s not me standing next to you anymore.
You’ve moved on, you’ve found happiness in another girl. It was so soon, a little over a month. What makes it worse? She was one of my closest friends and you knew that. At first, I thought you were doing it out of spite, just to get back at me. Here we are, almost two years later and you’re still together. I’m happy for you, but I wish that it was me instead of her.
I hear from our mutual friends that you guys often fight over some of the silliest and pointless things. Whenever I hear this, I cross my fingers and hope that maybe, this is it. Maybe you’ll come back. But then I hear that you were fighting over me. I’ve been out of your lives for a long time now. Why am I still the source of your problems? Are you over me? Are you wishing it was me, too?
Yes, you’re over me. No, you don’t wish it was me. If you weren’t, and if you did, I would’ve heard from you more than I have. In the last two years, I’ve talked to you twice. The first, you messaged me. I was happy, my heart was racing. We talked, and then something happened. You freaked out, saying things such as “you haven’t changed” and “don’t come back, no one wants you here.” It killed me inside. The second, I was at my old school, your school, where we met. You were wearing the sweatshirt I got you the Christmas we were dating. You told me you had burned it. I went up to you and said, “Hey Collin, nice sweatshirt! Where did you get it?” You simply nodded your head and replied with, “hey.” I wasn’t surprised, I did it with the intent of being a bitch and I know it worked on both you and her.
I saw you again about six weeks ago. You stared at me, while you danced with her. I don’t think you knew that I noticed. I did. I hope she did too.
I saw you again, two days ago. You were driving, you didn’t notice me. My heart stopped as we drove past each other, I stopped breathing and almost shut down completely. As I looked at you all I could think was, “Look at that beautiful man.” You continued to drive past me, my sweaty pants relaxed against the soft fabric of my steering wheel cover. I said out loud to the calm air inside my car, “How did I lose you?”
I haven’t forgotten the way you brushed the hair out of my face or the way you lightly traced my back against my back. I haven’t forgotten the way you looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes right before you kissed me. I haven’t forgotten the way you brushed your cold thumb across my warm cheek as it turned red with every millimeter you moved it. You have though. You have taken everything we used to do and have done it with her now.
I miss you, Colly Wally. I miss your family. I miss your house, your room, your bed, your dogs, your cats, and even your sheep. I miss the way you would make popcorn for everyone while we watched comedies in your living room. Above all, I miss your eyes. You won’t meet mine anymore.
I wish things had ended on a good note. Unfortunately, we can’t change the past. You’ve moved on, but I haven’t. I don’t think I ever will. But I’ll be okay, just like I was before you came into my life. I’ve been okay for the last two years, I’ll continue to be okay. I wish you the best in everything I do. I love you always.
The girl who will never give up on you