I guess as a start, I’m kind of writing this letter for myself as much as for you. I don’t even know if you’ll read this, but I supposed I feel compelled enough to write it. Whether you choose to read it or not is irrelevant, but I hope you do.
So, I want to share my experience with you, not to make you feel pain, but in hopes you’ll comprehend the pain and turmoil it created for me. Let’s start with your return from California. Obviously things were not perfect due to us losing communication at the end, no doubt due to my decision to stay home when my son was sick rather than come visit you. This was the turning point for you I believe. Anyway, you come back and we spend a few days together before you pack and leave. We go to the concert and have this long discussion on the way home. Two key points for me from that …one is how we discussed not doing the dis-service to each other of just walking away or not being honest. We both agreed that conversations about not being OK with the situation or not being happy, although difficult, were necessary when you care about the other person. Second, I distinctly remember you saying “I need you to fight for me”. I listened and grabbed ahold of it and told myself yes, I need to do that.
Now comes the point at which you move. The first couple of days I feel OK. We are staying connected, Facetime, etc. But literally 3-4 days in you are changing. I’m reaching out trying to make sure you know i’m fighting for you, one because you said you needed that, and two because that’s what I want. This trend continues, me texting you love and affection and me getting nothing back. Do you realize that I got nothing from you for Valentine’s Day? Not even an I love you, I’m here for you …nothing. Looking back this was obviously intentional. This keeps going until the infamous Saturday. We exchanged random pleasantries that morning. At least that’s what I got from you. I sent you this huge love message. You ignored it. At this point, I’m realizing what’s really happening. I am fighting for you, but you are not fighting for me. The culmination of this realization comes when I log into Facebook and the first thing in my feed is a picture of you with your roommate, her friend, and some random guy out in the city. This is after 3 days of you telling me your deathly ill, can’t talk on the phone, ignoring my texts. I texted you when I saw the picture and asked what you were doing. You said “Tryn not to die”. My heart was broken at that point. It didn’t matter who he was, all that mattered was that I knew what your actions had been for. They were all in the direction of pushing me out and letting him in. The rest you know. I had reached my breaking point and told you to not contact me. This is exactly what you did, which made it even more obvious you didn’t want to fight for me. You wanted to be able to blame this on me, even though you created the situation. It was the only way you could move forward. If you admitted the truth, you would have had to take responsibility for your actions, and that wasn’t going to happen.
So, I guess that brings me to the ultimate point of this letter. It’s not to get an explanation or answers from you. I know what happened. I just have a favor to ask. Please, in your relationships going forward, don’t be that person that runs away. Find the confidence and courage to address those difficult topics and face those hard conversations. Again, I don’t say this to cause you pain, but I have been crushed by this. I was all in, I know you knew that and decided to take the path you did anyway. Please, take some time to think about this as you move forward in life. There are a lot of people who choose the easy way to protect their own self interests. You once told me that you were “cursed” when it came to love. Don’t you think that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy at some point? Rise above that and don’t be one of those people. If you truly love and care for that person, your future partners deserve that level of honesty and respect. Otherwise, how can you say you really love and care for that person if you can’t provide them with that level of love and caring? It’s a hard thing to be able to do, but going forward in life leaving this wake of destruction is no way to live. Be honest with your partners and love interests going forward. You will grow as a person and be happier in the long run, which is what you should be after …a life full of happiness and emotional clarity.
With all that said, I’ll close this out. I can say with certainty, you will always have a place in my heart. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out, I mean that. It may be 5 days, 5 months, 5 years …it may be never and that’s OK too. Just know it’s there.