Part of me always knew we wouldn’t work out

Part of me always knew we wouldn’t work out

Part of me always knew we wouldn’t work out

LTME-postDear JC,
As you know we meet online which isn’t something I’m ashamed of. I can be a shy person and meeting people online makes it easier for me. You wanted to meet right away and I was not ready for that so I made you wait. We talked online for about two weeks before I finally caved and gave you my phone number. I can still remember the near heart attack I had when you called me instead of texting me. Your number popped up on my phone and I followed my first instinct was to hit the red button and pretend we never happened. However I surprised myself by answering the phone and we had a really nice conversation that lasted a whole hour! For another 2 weeks we would text each other and have an occasional phone call and on the last one I came around to meeting you in person. The days leading up to the date I told everyone I trusted what was going on just in case you were a kidnapper or something scary like that. On the day of the event (3/26, thanks Facebook) I stressed about my skin, my hair, what I was going to wear and what I would say based on the questions you would ask me. I was so grateful to my roommate who helped me get the wavy pieces of my hair that I missed in my hurried attempt to straighten it. I also remember the second near heart attack you gave me when you texted me that you were at the restaurant (Applebee’s) at least 15 minutes early and I was still staring at the brown cowgirl boots I decided to wear. I didn’t live far from the restaurant so according to the time that we agreed upon I was 2 minutes early. I recognized you almost immediately from your profile picture and I sat down across from you rather nervously. We had a two minute period of a awkward silence but you broke it almost and our conversation flowed amazingly well for the rest of the date. When we finally finished our meals and where headed out I told you that it was great meeting you and you did something I did not expect, that would provide ammunition for mockery form my friends for a good while, you went in for a hug. I immediately jumped backwards out of pure instance and almost fell off the curb I had been standing on. After catching myself I waved briskly and ran off toward my car, where I promptly but my head in my hands and scolded myself for being such a dweeb. We hung out a couple of times after that (my favorite was going to the Zoo) and I really started to like you. Then I let you meet my friends and we played glow in the dark mini golf which I thought was a lot of fun but then you decided to confide in my roommate that I was treating you like a friend and not somebody I was interested in. Which she told me on the car ride home and I was very angry because first you told her instead of me and two I didn’t understand how treating you like a friend meant that I wasn’t interested (especially because we meet on an online dating site). I decided the best thing to do next is to talk to you and many of my friends pushed me to text you and talk to you that way but I wanted to do it in person…no matter how scary that sounded when I said it out loud to one of my co workers. We meet up at my favorite sushi restaurant and I said we needed to talk and you agreed. You said that you saw us as friends but was hoping that it would be something more then that and I said that I didn’t agree I saw us as dating. Then in the typical guy manner you brought up that we hadn’t kissed yet and I became concerned. Physical displays of affection was not my strong point and no where near my realm of comfort, which I promptly told you. You said that you understood and I told you that despite my lack of comfort I did want to explore that aspect of a relationship but I made it clear that I would not be making the first move. Then the perfect situation arose and I jumped at the chance to make it clear to him that I wanted more then friendship. My brother and his girlfriend had went out of town on vacation and I had a key to their VERY empty apartment. I quickly invited him over with the promise of a movie and a home cooked meal. ( I went easy on myself and made tacos, which was actually pretty good) We had talked all through dinner and finally made our way to the couch where I put on AHS (Circus) and pretended to be very afraid of the clown. I would cover my face with a throw pillow and lean my head on your shoulder. You thought the whole thing was hilarious but you were still very comforting and then you brought up the really scary thing by asking me when you could kiss me. Without looking at you and very firmly on the television screen in front of me I said “Whenever you want too.” For the rest of the time I sat there in nervous anticipation waiting for you to make a move which you didn’t do until the end of the night and you were saying goodbye. It was a fast kiss, nothing over the top but I felt my heart jump into my throat. It was nearly perfect.

The next few months were good and we went further and further (I was also officially your girlfriend). I allowed more kisses and I let your hands explore my body. I was a virgin when I met you and you had done such a good job of making me feel comfortable and I expressed that I was ready for more. Which you happily accepted and I felt we took a positive step in the right direction. Then a few weeks later the first problem happened, I was ready to introduce you to my family which you fought me on saying it wasn’t your thing and you didn’t want to. You even mentioned that you hadn’t even told your own family that you had a girlfriend and that they only found out because I had put us in a relationship on Facebook. Honestly I was hurt when you said that, it made me feel like you weren’t happy to be with me and I was something you wanted to keep secret from those you cared about. I finally convinced you to meet my brother and his fiancée. I was also somehow got you to meet my parents too and I was convinced that I had broken you down when we went out to dinner with your friends. Then you told me your parents were in town and you tried to trick me into meeting up with you where I would meet your parents. Fortunately for me you slipped up and I caught onto what you were doing. You cancelled the meeting altogether and that was the first time I got annoyed with you. We had our first fight when you told me that there was “No way in hell that I’m going to your brother’s engagement dinner.” I was furious I couldn’t understand why you didn’t want to go and when you tried to hold my hand I pulled away. I was even more angry when you offered to go only on the condition that I completed a letter I had to write but had been putting off for awhile. I fought you on it a little but in the end I wrote the letter and we went to the dinner together. (You spent the entire night talking to everybody and being very kind) I figured it was best to lay off family activities for awhile. Slowly our hangout sessions became us laying in bed together naked…and nothing else. I also slowly started to get annoyed with you over other things like when I would vent about work or friend troubles you would never be on my side. You would also through any little thing I said back in my face like it was some kind of joke. When my birthday rolled around you came out with me and my family to dinner where I had to much to drink but you gave me a really pretty necklace and I ended up spending the night. I thought things were good between us until my friend ended up throwing me an amazing surprise party and you were no where to be found. When I texted you to see why you weren’t there you said you had no idea that it was going on but my friend swore that you had received an invit

ation on Facebook and her notifications said that you had looked at it. I was confused and relayed the information to which you said that you had gotten the message but failed to read it. I didn’t want to ruin a good party so I lied and told you it was fine and you didn’t have to come. Honestly I had a blast at that party, I sang karaoke and drank, I ate food and hung out with some good friends. It wasn’t until the following at Monday at work when I was talking to my co workers did I really start to get angry about the whole situation. I simply wanted to talk to about it and I knew we had dinner plans earlier. I got to the restaurant and waited in the parking lot for you. I was trying to remain really calm and not get angry but then you pulled up wearing that same stupid blue plaid shirt you always wore and some angry woman inside my head took over. We had a very public fight right there in the middle of the parking lot and then you began to say words I couldn’t handle to hear. You started talking and I could feel my face turning bright red. “If we are being honest we don’t really see each other that much.” I was hurt. I always made it a priority to hang out with you when I had free time. I knew it wasn’t much (maybe two sometimes three times a week) but I really was trying. I cut you off and didn’t let you finish. “I tried so hard. I did everything I could but I can’t do this anymore. I ripped off the necklace you gave me and put it in your hand. You were speechless. The last thing I said to you was that I wished you the best and as I ran off to my car I heard you say sorry, but it was too late.

I guess a part of me always knew we wouldn’t work out but I wanted us too. I do appreciate how kind you were in certain situations but if I’m being honest you were very selfish and rude at times. I’m sure you are very confused as to why I wrote this letter and I didn’t write it for you. I wrote it for myself to tell my side of the story, as I saw the events play out. I needed a clear head. However at the end of the day I really do wish you nothing but the best. But please never talk to me again.

Sincerely,
Julia

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