I’ve been putting off writing this letter for quite some time, understandably. There’s only one more month left of me having the possibility of running in to you every time I walk out my apartment door. One more month until you have moved away for good, and I will never ever again have to worry about seeing you out at a party or hearing about the other girls you’re hooking up with at school. I mean you have taken up a whole (almost) two years of my life, and in the blink of an eye, it’s almost over. I thought that I would be counting down the days at this point. I thought that I would be so miserable for the rest of the school year until we went our separate ways for good, but I’m just not. One day I woke up, and I totally forgot that I lived a life that once revolved around you. One day I fell asleep and I didn’t remember to turn the volume up in case you called late at night. One day I walked to class and forgot to hope that I would run in to you outside. One day I just decided I had had enough. I ripped up, through away, deleted and trashed absolutely everything that ever had to do with you, and that was the last day that I let you control the way I emotionally lived my life.
I can’t believe that I spent so much time dating you in the first place. Looking back now, I just feel absolutely ridiculous that I was so head over heels for someone that I actually had no business ever being involved with in the first place. Someone once told me, “You end up breaking your own heart by choosing to only see the good in people,” and they were right. I stood up for you, denied the insults and focused on the pros. I trusted you, surprisingly, and let you know that you were the first person in my entire life…ENTIRE life…that I ever let get close enough to know anything more in depth than what you can see from the outside. And then one day, you just up and left a year long relationship that had absolutely everything going for it. Maybe it’s because I’ve moved on, or because I can see things more clearly now that I’ve found myself again, but we never really had a chance. I mean, thinking that things between us would ever end with a ring on my finger just makes me laugh today. But how is this possible? How did I lay next to you for over 365 days hearing about how unbelievably lucky you were for me to be all yours, and then out of the blue we both just went our separate ways? It’s kind of scary if you ask me, the fact that it’s that easy to erase someone from your memory as if they never even existed in the first place.
A couple of days ago, I saw a picture of us on one of my friend’s Instagram, and I just sat there for a few seconds zooming in and wondering how I dated someone for so long that I can hardly recognize just a few months later. I feel like I used to know every single detail of your life down to a tee, and now I don’t even remember your birthday much less your phone number. I don’t know how the brain can erase memories and people from your past so easily, but I don’t think I want to know. At this point, I don’t need to understand the process as much as I just need to trust it.
I didn’t realize that in loving you, I totally lost myself. I mean I really really lost myself. The fact that I didn’t know how to function once I lost you was just the most pathetic thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t need you? I don’t need anyone for that matter. I was so dependent on you making me happy, that I forgot all the things I love to do to make myself happy. And now, looking back, I think our relationship would have really benefitted from just taking a break and learning how to live on our own again rather than suffocating each other every single day and night. We were just too young, too overbearing, and we let it ruin us. That’s okay though, it was obviously for the better.
Exactly 365 days ago, you had just asked me out and I thought that I was finally entering in to the last relationship I would ever be in for the rest of my life. However, five months ago, I was sitting in this exact same spot wondering what I did wrong to have you do something like this to me. How you could just wipe your hands clean of our past and move on as if it never existed. How you could already jump in to a brand new relationship after telling me that you just couldn’t be with anyone until you graduated and moved out of town. Five months ago, I thought all of this was my fault. I remember not breathing in bed on the phone with my parents and telling them that none of this was for the best: none of it was ever going to get better. Jokes though, because I’m sitting here happier than I have ever been in my entire life…and I just have you to thank for that.
Maybe then I thought it was the end of the world. Maybe then I thought that none of this could be happening for the better, none of it could have a logical reason behind why this had to happen to us. And now, here I am, realizing that this was actually the greatest thing that could have possibly happened for me. The worst, most painful and scarring experience actually turned out to change my life in solely, 100%, positive ways. I hope you’re happy, truly. I hope that this new girl is absolutely everything that you thought I didn’t have or that I couldn’t give you. I can’t say I’m jealous, because at the end of the day, you just will never have those same memories with anyone but me. And one day, when you’re looking back on this break up, you’ll realize that you never actually gave me the credit I deserved nor did you take the time to actually move on from our relationship. No girl is me, despite who you date in the future. They might be better, they might be worse, but they won’t be me. And you will realize that only in time. Obviously it will be too late for you at that point, but I’m sure you’re going to be just fine.
Thank you endlessly, from the bottom of my heart.
Your first TRUE love