I’m sure you’ll probably just roll your eyes and grunt at the pure sight of my name at the end of this letter. But I feel I need to write to you one last time, as you have been the agonising thorn in my side since the day I met you. It pains me to be this girl. The one who struggled to let go and move on. But you are not stupid, and you know as well as I do, that I had every reason to believe in us, and you. And no matter what you say to others or teach yourself to believe. You have said it yourself. “Had it have not been for Canada, we probably still would have been together.”
…And in Canada, you were happy to kiss me, sleep with me, and tell me you still loved me… sounds confusing doesn’t it? Try it from my perspective. Especially when the last words from your lips as I climbed on the bus to fly back to England were “I love you.”
Imagine it Jay… flying halfway around the world to see your ex boyfriend, because he couldn’t even pull himself together to face you and tell you he is an unfaithful coward.
Even after you made numerous promises to fly over to break it off face to face, one final good bye after living together for the past year. You couldn’t even give me that tiny ounce of respect. Instead you hid behind the phonecalls and text messages.
Be a grown up for 5 minutes Jay. Put yourself in my position for 5 minutes. Even if you couldn’t do it then, do it now… please?
When I met you, I held back. It was you that pursued me. You were the one buying the tickets and planning our future. And when I did live with you in Ireland, I fell for you more every day. There was never one hint that we could end up on opposite sides of the world, no matter how much I bought up the possibility of Canada. You shrugged it off and insinuated that I was worrying about nothing and that it was unlikely you were even going to go.
You’d shut me up quick enough and make me believe wherever you go, I go. I had no reason to believe, no reason at all, to believe we were even in danger. We laughed and smiled every day!! We held each other every night and said our good nights and love you’s, and 3 months prior to you tearing everything apart, we flew to England to meet my family and spend the New Year in London!
Until one day, one normal day, when I’m sat in our bed, asking you what film you wanted to watch that evening, you drop the biggest bombshell I have had to cope with for a long time…
“I’m going to go to Canada”
You can tell me what my face looked like, because I couldn’t see it, but my god I could feel my heart sink and my world fall apart in that one sentence!
I had seconds, seconds to respond appropriately and all the while my head was pounding, alarm bells all over the place.
I had to re-evaluate everything. What I thought about you. What I had been planning to ask you. Well, clearly “WE” aren’t going. Not me… What was going to happen to us? Why were you doing this to us? What have I done wrong? Why don’t you love me anymore? I can’t stop you. I would never stop you. You are worth so much more than here. I want you to be happy and live the best life you can! I love you! Please don’t go…
I loved you Jay. I loved you so much!
You broke my heart…
And not once, not once leading up to you going did I ask you to stay… I didn’t want to make it harder for you.
Before you tore my world apart, I had been planning on asking you to move to Bournemouth for a year with me. But I didn’t want to be that girl that pulled you away from your family, job, life and friends.
Like you had me… looking back on it, that’s what you did isn’t it? Probably not your intention, but none the less, I was in Arklow alone. Away from my friends, family and home.
I didn’t think you could leave Arklow.
Today my niece showed me her scrapbook. And part of it had a letter from me last year telling her “I will see her when I get back from Canada”. This time last year… what a smack in the face! You must have just had your 30th Birthday. Happy Birthday Jay.
A year has passed since I was last with you. And Blue Toyota vans still drive past me all the time. Daim ice cream cheers me up when I’m ill. I feel the urge to buy large packs of Blueberries when I see them in Tesco. Every wanker owns a King Charles Spaniel. I need but don’t want to buy myself a hotwater bottle. Every sod’s name is Johnny or surname is Murphy and sometimes unfortunately it’s both…! And every holiday I go on surrounds me with Irish bars and music!
I don’t want it Jay. It’s not fun.
It’s not that I want you back. If I could rewind time, back to how I viewed you before Canada then yes, I will always want that time back. You were so amazing… until that day.
But I struggled because you’re not stupid. And you’re not cruel. And what you did to me was cruel. And you would be stupid to not have realised that!
I always thought that one day, maybe you would message me off your own back, and just say… “I’m sorry for what I did to you, I’m sorry for how I made you feel, and you didn’t deserve it”.
That’s all I wanted from you Jay, even when I was in Canada. And you couldn’t do it. I didn’t recognise you. You’re not who I thought you were.
That’s fine. I got it wrong. And I needed to see that side of you myself, as I had never seen it once whilst we were together.
But surely, you’re human and know when you’ve hurt someone?
I never wanted much from you when we broke up Jay. Just a bit of reassurance that you had loved me and felt bad seeing me hurt. But you didn’t. You even laughed in my face whilst I cried…
It’s hard to write this letter now, and of course bringing it all up again makes me cry, but you are probably laughing and mocking me.
You know you did me wrong Jay. And you know I was a mess. I was struggling so much… I sat in the doctors and told them I was depressed… I flew halfway across the world and you still laughed at me, after sleeping with me of course… You held me in the shower whilst I cried into your chest. And then the last thing you tell me as I leave is “I love you”…
Come on Jay…
I just…I think I feel angry that you never felt bad for what you did to me. And you were the last person I expected to be that harsh!! I believed you were the most amazing person in the world, I was so lucky!
I had to practically drag the words out of you on the phone and in Canada. Say it! Say it!!!!
But you never once meant it when you said “Sorry”.
I loved you Jay. More than I’ve ever loved anyone. I never wanted anything bad to happen to you, and I never will.
We clearly weren’t meant to be. But I wish you could have restored a little faith in me that you weren’t as bad as you ended up being in the end. And then maybe I could believe that the next person who really does love me, isn’t going to just up and leave. Because it’s hard for me to believe now that someone who says they love me, will stick around.
It’s not that I wanted or want to get back with you Jay. It’s that I struggle to be with anyone else. You’ve broken my trust.
I just wish you had meant it when you said “Sorry”.