I loved you. I loved you a lot. We had a lot of fun and we had a connection. Or so I thought. Even though I told you how much I cared for you, how happy you made me you chose to break my heart and destroy my trust.
I was there for you when you needed me, even when you would constantly compare me to your ex. But I sucked it up and dealt with it for months until I finally couldn’t take it anymore and asked you to stop. I just wanted you to stop talking about her constantly and comparing me to her, not for you to stop opening up to me. But you did.
I don’t know when things started to get bad between us. For the longest time I thought maybe I did something wrong. I see now that I wasn’t the problem. You claimed to love me yet when you finally came to visit me for two weeks you had sexted another girl who also sent you nudes. I felt like something was going on between the two of you, whenever I woke up you were in a private call with her or you would stop what we were doing to run off and talk or play with her. You acted shady and when I finally confronted you about it before you left, you lied to my face. You were so calm. That was a red flag for me. I knew you were lying but I wanted you to tell me. You didn’t have the balls to. What made it worse was when I found out the truth through her boyfriend. I was hurt. You promised me that you would never cheat nor would you ever make me choose between my friends but I guess you forgot about those promises. Instead of talking to me when I found out, you were more concerned about playing your ranked match on League. That should have been another red flag for me, but I was blind. The girl you sexted talked to me while you were too busy playing your game. She told me everything and told me that you were lying about more stuff than I realized. The only reason you decided to talk to me was because I told you that I was talking to both of them. Then you wanted to stop playing league, you wanted me to block both of them so you could tell me yourself what happened and why it happened. It really makes me wonder what else you lied about.
All I wanted was to be able to open up to someone and for them to be able to do the same but you distanced yourself from me after you told me everything that happened with the girl you cheated on me with. Once I called you a cheater, you lost your mind and started yelling at me. That was fun. I was in the wrong for calling you what you were, yet you claimed you weren’t a cheater. That was a good laugh. I stayed though. Despite everything, I stayed with you when my instincts screamed at me to just leave. I even ignored my friends’ advice. For you. Someone I thought I loved and loved me back. I see now that I was wrong.
I noticed we had been fighting more often than not because if I did one little thing that you didn’t like, even if it was just me goofing around on a video game, it was a fight. I would apologize and you would get over it eventually. I shouldn’t have apologized. You claimed every fight we had was because of me. I remember you calling me just to yell at me, say that I had no reasoning whatsoever and then you hung up.
You told me that you loved me and wanted to be with me and build a future together. We were even planning to move together next year. Until you gave me an ultimatum. You remember telling me before we dated that you would never make me choose between you and a friend? I guess not because that’s exactly what you did. I told you before if you ever gave me an ultimatum between you and a friend, I would choose my friend 100%. I chose my friend and you broke up with me. Yet you told me our relationship ended because I chose someone I’ve known so much longer, and who has always been here for me when I needed them, over you.
I was angry. To be completely honest, I still am. Without even a second thought, you threw me away. You didn’t even look back. You never truly loved me. No. You just wanted to make it my fault so you didn’t feel like the piece of shit that you are. I’m sure you feel guilty for cheating on me when I was loyal. I gave into your demands and wouldn’t talk to any of my guy friends alone on a group voice chat where anyone could join at any moment. I stopped playing games alone with them too because you didn’t want me to be alone with anyone. You were insecure and jealous and I understood that. You were also controlling and the moment I stopped obeying your every demand, you threw me to the side. It was your way, or the highway.
I loved you but you were poisoning me. My panic attacks became more frequent when I was with you, months after we started dating. I just pushed it off as stress from other things. You made me cry more often than you ever made me laugh and you just shut yourself off completely to me. You made me feel like I was only your girlfriend whenever you wanted me which was only when you decided you wanted to play a game with me and my friends.
I’m better now. I’m not as stressed as I was when I was with you and my panic attacks have lessened as well. I stopped crying over you after thinking back about everything you said and did. You weren’t worth my time. I often think about wishing I never dated you but I met some amazing people through you so I can’t say I regret it. But I will never be yours again. You had so many chances and you still chose to leave me. You’re petty, jealous, insecure and immature. You are not a man. You are a child. You have a lot of growing up to you and I hope that whenever another girl dates you, you won’t treat her like you treated me. I hope you treat her like a princess like you claimed how you would treat me like one.
I’m over you, but there is a little part of me that still misses you but I’m sure that will fade one day as well. I wish I could say that I hated you but you’re not worth anymore of my time or my thoughts. I hope you come across this one day and it finally hits you that what you did was wrong. You constantly blaming me and saying it’s my fault without even trying to take the blame for your actions. I hope it makes your face turn red from embarrassment and anger at how you acted towards me. I hope you learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat them. Most of all, I hope you feel like an idiot for walking away from someone who was patient with you when you stopped taking your medication that helped mellow out your moods. Someone who let you lash out at them so you would feel better about yourself. I hope you get better, I really do but when it comes to me, I hope it still hurts you knowing you left someone who truly loved you no matter what.
The girl you never deserved.