I’m still here

I’m still here

I’m still here

LTME-postIt’s exactly 1 am and my thoughts are taking control. Is that a bad thing?….is it bad that I am lost no matter how hard I try to be found, no matter how hard I run through the forest I feel like I will never find that open spot. Is it bad that you are always on my mind no matter how hard I try to forget you or find a distraction? Is it bad I crave you still, your touch, the taste of your lips on mine, your tight hugs, and most of all, the love that you showed me (at least on your good days). Is is so wrong that I still wish everything would have worked out? That I still wish I could go back In time to see if I could have done or said something different. I still lay in my bed at night wishing you was laying right there beside me, holding me, but I’m probably not even on your mind. I never thought I could fall In love with someone that easy. I never though that I would fight for someone that hard. And, I never thought someone could come into my life, rock my world, and then fuck it up so badly. But you know the weird thing about it is? I don’t hate you, I still want you, I still love you,but I can’t have you. I can’t claim what apparently was never mine in the first place. You might say that I don’t know what love is, or this is just one dream of mine, better yet, you once told me that “I was in fairy land”. But that’s where you’re wrong. I’ve never wanted anyone like this. I’ve ended relationships and I’ve had someone end a relationship with me. Even my own dad ended mine and his relationship, and I didn’t care about it and I didn’t fight as hard as I have done with you. I loved you, I loved you so much and then I lost you. Just like that. You were gone. You slipped and ran right through my fingers just like water. I still look at my phone at least 6-7 times a day just to see if your name will ever pop up, and when it does, my heart drops. It drops because I wonder if the message is going to be a paragraph of how you want me back, but then when I look at it, all it says is “hey” or “aye”. I should have known. I should have known you were never going to open up to me, you where never going to love me fully, because if you did you would have let me In no matter how much you hated sharing your feelings. But no. You kept it all in. You hid that from me. You might be thinking “big deal, I hid my feelings.” But it is a big deal. You hid how you truly felt. Why could you not tell me? You said you trusted me. Did you mean it? Or were those words to make me feel good? Did you truly love me? This must be what it feels like to actually have everything taken from you. I’m hurting. But you don’t see it. I don’t think anyone really sees it. To me, my life is like night and day. When the sun comes up in the morning, I get dressed, and while I’m putting my clothes on, I put on this smile that brightens the day, just like that big sun, but what most people don’t know is that smile is about as fake as my earrings. Then night comes and that sun goes down, the sky gets dimmer and dimmer, just like my smile, it’s so dark I don’t have to fake a smile anymore. I can hide. I can hide in the shadows. You don’t realize what one thing can do to a person. How 3 little words can ruin a persons life. I. Love. You. They aren’t big words, but they have huge meanings. You said those words but I have a feeling you didn’t mean it, at least not fully. You’ve been hurt before. I don’t know your whole story, but that wasn’t my fault. You never told me. But I tried to put some of the puzzle pieces together, and from what I gathered. Your mom was never there, and you ended up falling in love with this girl. You would climb mountains for her. But she wouldn’t climb a hill for you. She broke you. So you hate her. Well, I’m on the same situation, sort of. My dad was never really there for me, said I was a mistake. Didn’t come into my life until I was 6 and then when I turned 11 he called me a slut and swore on his life I wasn’t his. Then he gets the balls to call me telling me he loves me and then gets off the phone with me and cusses out my little brother, my brother comes home crying to me about it, I guess my dad forgot about all the nights he abused me….then I fell for this guy. And I don’t mean little teenage crush, I fell, hard. The first night I snuck out, that was the night you changed my life, that was the night I knew I would do anything for you, but as time passed, I started to feel like I wasn’t your number one. I didn’t feel like I was your baby girl. I just felt like I was “the part-time girlfriend” I didn’t say anything. I just left it alone. I just want to know one thing, why didn’t you fight for me like I fought for you, and apparently I’m still fighting. Did you truly love me? And would you ever try again?…..I’m lost, and it hurts like hell…..I guess this is heartbreak. But no matter how much my heart is breaking, I still want you, but I just don’t think I can have you, at least not right now. You keep txting me and calling me, wondering if I’m okay. You keep telling me “we will see what happens” “I will always love you” “I miss our times together” Please just come back into my arms jordan. Please. I love you.

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