Where do I even begin. When I first saw your message to me on POF, I was tempted to ignore it. You weren’t my type at all! But, something told me to reply. We got on famously and after a week of messages we finally met. Our first date was truly magic. I hadn’t felt instantly connected to someone the way I was with you. Our relationship moved so rapidly and after a few short months you asked me to move in. Those first 6 months of our relationship were the happiest I’d ever been. We had so much in common. We could talk about anything for hours or just sit in silence and enjoy each other’s presence.
Then something happened to you. You lost your job. The scars from past relationships started to overshadow our relationship. You shut me out emotionally and physically.
I started to become terrified of that silence and making decisions based on fear. Fear that I’d lose you. Fear that I wasn’t good enough. I started to become paranoid of the silence.
I look back now and I realize that I probably should have walked away then. But, I wanted to be there for you. I believed that you were good person who just needed patience and kindness.
A year passed and while we had our good times, our relationship wasn’t getting easier. I was becoming burdened by the financial responsibility of taking care of us. Then your dog died and anything left of you was shattered. I tried to make things better by buying you things, purchasing concert tickets, trips, a new dog. I tried everything.
You became fixated on your fb and texting your old friends, totally shutting me out, making me feel insane like I had lost you to everyone else.
You never put me in the same category as your old friends. Like I hadn’t earned your trust or help. You prioritized their problems over ours, going out of your way to help them financially or solve their domestic issues. I see now you felt so down about not feeling needed by me that you just wanted to feel needed period.
I wish I had done things differently. I should have nagged you about getting off your ass to find a job instead of paying for everything. If you felt like you were doing your part, you wouldn’t have felt so useless. But, I never held you back g from trying too help yourself and try to find something. I helped you. I set up your LinkedIn, I wrote your resume, I applied for jobs on your behalf. If I’m guilty of anything, it’s caring too much.
I can’t say I’m surprised you thought you had to leave. I’m just hurt. I feel unappreciated. I feel used. I feel like you’ve decided I’m the reason for all your problems when all I ever tried to do was help you when nobody else would.
You told me you’re leaving because you’re not getting better and it’s not fair to me. But, you never tried to get better. You bathed in your depression while I tried to hold us together.
I can’t help but feel you met someone else while you were visiting your father. I felt you become even more distant then. I don’t know how you can just turn your back on someone who loved and cared about you so deeply. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m lonely. I want answers. Real, honest answers about what went wrong. I’m tired of feeling like this is all my fault. I’m tired of wondering why you left me.
You have to stop blaming everyone for your problems and take responsibility for your actions. I refuse to be your scapegoat. I refuse to let you go on and tell people you have another crazy ex. Tell them what you did! You turned your back on someone who did everything for you. You’re selfish.
You once said you tend to only date crazy girls so dating me will be a good experiment because I’m clearly not crazy to see if it’s you or them, well guess what, it’s you! I’m stronger than your last girlfriend so I’m not going to try to kill myself over this. I’m not going to just run away with someone I met online like the girl before that. But, now I understand them both. You ruin people. You make people feel insane with your silence and your anger. You make people question themselves. You blame everyone for your problems and you don’t take responsibility for yourself.
I hate that I just want you back. I hate that you ruined self esteem. I hate that I feel like this is my fault. I hate that I’m alone while you’re living your new single life. But, I don’t hate you. I love you with all of my heart.