The beginning was. Amazing. The moment i met you, i felt like i had known you forever. New things are always exciting, but this was completely different. I can’t even begin to explain the butterflies i felt every time i saw you, kissed you, or even thought about you. Things moved faster than i would’ve liked, but like i said, i felt like i’ve known you my whole life.
I drove an hour to see you. I came to see you every moment i possibly could. Although you didn’t drive, i had no problem coming all that way for you. My feelings were so strong, i felt as if i couldn’t go a day without you. I missed you from the moment i left to the moment before i stepped onto your porch.
I was so nervous that i acted so different. At times, i didn’t even know how to respond to what you were saying to me. Sometimes, i was so lost in your eyes, i couldn’t even hear what you were saying.
I had an attitude. That’s for sure. But you handed it right back to me. Eventually, the nervousness should’ve gone away and we should’ve been able to have an “actual relationship”. Unfortunately, i was never not nervous. It actually turned into anger. Wasn’t quite sure how to handle this. I told you everything. In hopes that you would respect me just enough to not tell people what i told you in confidence.
I have clinical depression. I’m highly insecure. I’m not comfortable with my body. Despite my horrible traits, you had some yourself. Everything i did turned into you jumping to conclusions, thinking i’m doing things to hurt you. Why would i want to hurt someone i was so desperately in love with? I never thought someone like you, would almost settle for someone like me. We spent a ton of time together and really got to know eachother. Maybe we knew eachother a little too much for our own good. You knew just the right things to say or do to get under my skin.
I decided i wasn’t ready to continue this relationship. I asked if we could take a “break” in hopes that you would fight for me. instead, you agreed to move forward with this. You never told me no. About anything. Ever. All i wanted was to see that you cared enough. Just enough to fight for me. Just a little. This break lasted all of 12 hours. And there i was, back in your bed. That same night. Back in your arms; where i felt safe. Where i felt like i finally belonged. wanted.
Ever since then. i could tell that you were different. almost stepping on egg shells around me. Everything was different, yet still the same. We were still crazy about eachother. It would’ve never been easy. We have different opinions on almost everything. I know you wanted easy, but life isn’t easy.
Eventually, you told me you didn’t want this anymore. i fought so hard for you. telling you i could change. acting like a fool. no one should have to change for another person. But if you’re still reading at this point, this is where it gets truly interesting.
So i get a phone call. From my cousins friend. It’s a blocked number, but i recognize her voice. She said, “i have a lot of things to tell you. Starting with _____”. My heart sunk. My whole body started to burn. I felt like i was going to cry already. she went on to tell me how you slept with someone else while we were working on things and that’s when you realized you needed something different. although, you still kept me stringing along for months after the fact. How could you go on and on about how loyal i was. I know you looked through my phone several times. some of the times when i was “sleeping” i clearly was not. What did you find on there? Nothing. i was completely infatuated with even the thought of you. She went on and told me you were telling personal information about me to someone else. How could you when you knew i was so nervous to even tell you in the first place? You would never marry me. You don’t want kids with me. “it will never work”. “We are not right for eachother”. “she doesn’t have empathy and she’s extremely shallow”. You talked about my weight “yeah she weighs more than me”. Our sex life “she wouldn’t do what i wanted sexually”. How i was ugly “she said i make her feel pretty but i would say that most people wouldn’t share my point of view”. How i was so insecure. Why would you be with someone you thought of like this? Who were you lying to? Me or her? How about when you told her that i would kill myself if you confessed to cheating on me? Don’t flatter yourself. I could care less about someone who treated me so poorly. Why couldn’t i see all of this? Why did i still want you even when you talked about me like this? It’s a good question, because i’m still trying to figure out the answer.
I think the main problem was i didn’t have the chance to tell you how i really felt, at the time. I thought you were adorable. i knew my family would be judgmental toward the fact that you didn’t go to college, don’t have a reliable job, no car, no license. definitely not “wealthy”. You know what. i didn’t care. i would live in a box with you if that meant that i would be as happy as you made me. you made me feel pretty. you told me i was beautiful. that you were crazy about me, and i certainly felt the same. you’re intelligent. my perfectly imperfect little snug.
But that was before. The things to did and said to me are inexcusable. You need to lose my number. Stop leading me on. i need to relearn to love myself after you pushed me so far down to the point where i couldn’t breathe. i want nothing to do with someone as shallow as you. it’s so nice to finally see your true colors. it’ll certainly make this much easier on me. but let me tell you, i’ll never let people in, and i’ll have you to remind me why. i feel so stupid. who even were you? who was i with? i hope you find yourself. i hope you find whatever you are looking for. i hope your next girl loves you the way i loved you, in the way you certainly will never deserve.