All for nothing

All for nothing

All for nothing

LTME-postdear c,

i wrote you a letter, like this one, and actually gave it to you. i felt so empowered because i wrote my thoughts and feelings down, strung them together in cohesive sentences and finally found the courage in the depths of myself to hand the letter to you up front and in person. unfortunately for me, i put too much faith in you. i hoped that, since we were best friends for 10 years, you might’ve actually respected my privacy and deepest feelings. you are living proof that second chances should be given rarely and cautiously. without even responding to my letter, or acknowledging that you had read it and processed it, you allowed your closest friends to read my words and laugh. are you that dense? did you think the news wouldn’t make it’s way back to me? my heart crushed as your older brother’s girlfriend discussed how sorry she was for me. i was confused, why was she sorry for me? and then she told me about how you allowed people to look into my mind.

my mother tells me that you are immature. my brother tells me to get over it. my friends tell me that you are an absolute mess that never did and never will deserve my attention. i was so good to you. i put myself through hell so you could taste heaven. i suffered through endless hours of facetime calls while you explained how in love you were with my best friend. i suffered through months of depressive episodes after you chose a self-absorbed and conniving girl over me. i suffered through years of you dating my other best friend because God forbid you could not date someone that was not close to me in some way, shape or form. you told me you loved me so many times that maybe those three words began to lose meaning. i was constantly pushed around and manipulated by you. i tried so hard for so long to be perfect so you would never give up on me. so much of my energy was exerted by making myself the perfect best friend, girlfriend and woman for you.

you hurt me more than anyone ever has. you didn’t break my heart, you broke my soul. you hurt my morale. you literally triggered a year of complete and utter depression. you made me nauseous with nervousness constantly. you were my best friend, and you meant the world to me, and you didn’t care half as much about me. i thought even if my love didn’t mean anything to you, maybe my friendship did. once again, i was wrong. i have always been wrong about you. i have this false hope about you, but you’re not a good person. you put on this facade for everyone, acting like a perfect little suburban boy who excels at athletics and academics- the perfect All-American. but you’re incredibly far from that ideal character. you are careless, unempathetic, immature, rude, overly confident and bad tempered. i spent 10 years of my life trying to please you, and my reward was betrayal and humiliation. you should be ashamed of yourself.

let it sink in,
me

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