Dear Ex

LTME-postSo many couples, and exes, believe their connection is/was special. I think we both thought that ours was too. I know it was definitely something different from what I’ve experienced before; it was a lot of good as well as a lot of bad. I don’t know about our connection – I think any time any two people feel a strong love for one another, that is definitely something special. But I know that you were very special to me. You came so close to being my dream guy, the one I had always had in my mind. You being out of your hometown and us meeting up and a lot of other crazy coincidences had to have been fate. But it was not meant to be, not meant to last. You were a huge lesson that I definitely needed in my life so that I could attain the growth that I have – not only while you were here, but now that you have been gone. I almost wish that we were over because you broke up with me, because it hurts a little extra knowing that I am the one who ended this. We do not need to be together but I still feel so weird about being the one who stamped out any future chance. I loved you with all of my heart but throughout the past two years, there was never a day which went by that I believed you were completely genuine. And I was right. And the more the layers fell away and the real you began to emerge, the worse you acted. The more damage you did. And you still continue in ways too numerous and Insidious to post here. I still love you, but I also kind of hate you. Either way, I think of you constantly. Mostly with bitterness about how I am still having to pay financially and in other ways because you just really fucked everything up in the end. But I remember with fondness the things you and I did and shared, the entire lifetime worth of experiences that we had in a span of two years. The things we did together definitely were special… and are not things we can necessarily do with others in the future. But the past is no reason to stay with someone. The bad outweighed the good and I am, day-by-day, letting you go. I could probably have dealt with most of your other problems, but you’re deceptiveness and your self-centeredness are really in a league of their own. I pray that you get it together for the sake of your children and for the sake of whoever stands to be hurt by your ways. As far as my hopes for you and your future, I am neutral. I don’t wish you bad but I don’t really care whether you find happiness. At best I will forgive you someday, but your happiness comes at such a high price I don’t know that I will ever wish that for you. I hope to just not think anything about you at all as soon as possible. This has been a long and Meandering letter to you, my ex, kind of like our whole relationship. All over the place and disorganized but at least on my end, genuine and heartfelt. You were the love of my life thus far, but my life is far from over. I have done so much to improve it since you have been gone, and thanks to you and your destruction I have found the motivation to take on a lot of things I had not before. I love you and I thank you. We hurt each other pretty badly, and all I know is that you introduced a level of pain into my life that all I could do was choose to either sink or swim. I don’t think I would have been able to swim this strongly had I not shown myself I could overcome a storm like you. So… in a roundabout way, I wouldn’t change the past at all.

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