To my girls

To my girls

To my girls

LTME-postHi! I hope you’re doing well. I really do. I want you to know, I remember every single one of you. It’s crazy to think about but it’s true. I’m sure you don’t remember me or maybe you do. But I need to say something and I think you should hear this.
I’m sorry that you had to date that guy. The guy I was when we dated was not a good man. I was young and well intentioned, but then things got away from me. The sad part is, as I address you each individually, you’ll see a common theme. I finally did and that’s how I began to change.
To the first girl I dated. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe you put up with me. I mean when we first met it was sparks. You were so beautiful and I was lucky that you liked me. I played it real cool but there were butterflies inside me. You were very innocent and so was I. I had never been intimate with a girl before and we were each other’s first. I always thought I’d treat girls like queens. I did at first, but then you became a thing. I’d say I love you and then flirt with other girls. I needed constant validation and never made you feel like you were enough. Our relationship became toxic after we got comfortable with each other. I’m ashamed to say that it even got physical between us. I was raised better than that. You came from a divorced home and looked at me to be a better man. I was for a bit and then I changed. I don’t blame you for us not working out. I know it’s my fault and you’d think after the years of crying and fighting and ending it I would have learned but I didn’t. I blamed you and sulked and looked for someone else to give me validation.
Girl #2 I never officially dated you. We had a thing, I called it a fling but it was more to you. I would never put the title on it and you deserved better. We had a few arguments but nothing too bad. I just didn’t know the type of girl I had. You were so down and cool and sweet and motivated. I’m sorry I didn’t see it more when we were at college. But I’m really happy you’re doing so well, got your masters and you’re ballin! We ended on speaking terms and still say hi every now and again. But I still need to apologize for the guy I was then.
To the 3rd girl I dated, married, and divorced. Wow we really made a bad decision on that one. It didn’t last long, but contrary to what I said in the past, it was not your fault. We didn’t work out and it wasn’t because of anything you did. Honestly, we were still kids and I was a boy trying to act like man. But I couldn’t keep the act up. I said things and I called you names that no woman should ever be called. I’m sorry for trying to control you and not let you fly free and do the things you had always dreamed. At first, I had so much ambition and then I just stopped trying. You tried to speak me and let me know what you were feeling and I just stayed stubborn and rarely listened. We didn’t work out and I tried to shame you because of my own insecurities. I vowed to find someone better because I tried to blame you, but all my circumstances were my own. I hope you’re doing well and have found someone who can appreciate you for who you are and let you shine. I’m sorry for all my actions during our time together.
Girl #4 You were truly magical and the one who triggered my change. Unfortunately, it was after we’d finished our run together. We started off passionate and exciting. I opened doors for you and I listened when you spoke and we talked for hours on end. And then quickly in, I started up my old habits again. See you should have left me way early on but you stuck around. And when I think about it now, it was probably guilt inspired. Nevertheless, I owe you my apologies. I stopped trying again. I showed no ambition. When we met, I was working and going to school, then I just stopped. I started putting pressure on you about what our future would be like and I think I rushed everything trying to control things. I was super selfish, I was unkind at times, and I feel like I essentially stole years of your life when you should’ve been just exploring and figuring life out. I was verbally abusive and acted crazy more than I’d like to admit. I’m so sorry for everything I did wrong along the way.
Can I address you all again? I want you to know that I haven’t forgotten the things I put each of you through. It has tormented me for years. This isn’t a “the ones who got away”. This is my regret for being that awful human being, while trying to portray myself differently in the public eye. This is an apology for every argument that I brought you to tears right before we would hang out with friends or family. This is an apology for every time you felt scared, hurt, or unappreciated. It’s really hard for me to admit what I was. But I had to do it to be who I am today.
I am who I am today because of all of you. Because, I finally decided that I was the problem. I worked on myself daily. I read books, I reflected, I journaled, and I stayed focused. My failures with each of you, made me focus on being a better individual and not look for an individual to make me feel better. I had to allow myself to be torn all the way down, so I could rebuild. Because of you all, I’m marrying my best friend. I’m marrying my queen. Because of my failures with you all, I strive every day to EARN her love. I do not expect anything. I learned that I should start a relationship built on a true friendship, not on sex and passion. I learned that I can’t hold in my emotions, but I must control them. I learned to speak calmly to express my dissatisfaction. I learned that compromise is really something you must be willing to do. I learned that in no circumstance should I call the woman I’m dating names. I learned to accept my faults and not take myself too serious. I learned that it’s ok that I am me. I learned to keep my ambitions and hobbies aside from the relationship. I learned to sacrifice. I learned to COMMUNICATE, verbally and non-verbally. I learned how to have the tough conversation without flipping out. I learned how to address concerns without an argument. Most importantly, I learned how to love myself and grow, to allow someone to truly love me. Someone to see me behave with respect at the beginning and throughout the relationship.
I learned all this from you. I’m very sorry for my actions while we were together. And though I regret my actions when I was with each of you, I don’t regret what I’ve ultimately become. Thank you for being strong enough to leave. Thank you for being tough and moving on and going on to do the great things each of you will do in your life. And although we may not be friends, I want you to know that I care and I think about the great impact your presence had on the man I am today.
Thank you.

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