I have such sweet memories of you. The way you grinned at me with that twinkle in your eye. That twinkle you got from your father. (You know how much I adore your father.) I miss him so much. It’s unfortunate that he only got your side of the story. We both know that if he knew the truth, he’d have been more merciful with me and perhaps he wouldn’t be gone from my life. Our marriage still would have ended, but it would have unfolded in a very different way. You see, they saw my depression, but you twisted it to them. You told them about my crazy and they witnessed some firsthand. You just omitted what made me that way. The kids came up in my news feed the other day. The pictures from our Washington trip where they were sleeping in the backseat. The munchkin had her little arms wrapped around The Kid’s arm and she was leaning on him. That little girl was a joy in my life. Even when she was naughty, she was eager to please. I miss being the only one up with her on a Sunday morning. I miss getting her breakfast and then snuggling with her on the couch for some cartoon time. I miss painting her nails and her pudgy little hands. My most treasured memory is her giving me one of those big sloppy kisses and hearing that little voice say ‘ I love you, Miss Momma!’ The kids are the saddest part. They both lost.
Anyway, I remember feeling so hopeful on that trip. I was so willing to start rebuilding with honesty and new commitments. If only you could have found your way back to the man that courted me. Back when everything about the world was brand new and beautiful. I had an endless supply of chocolate, fresh flowers on my desk every 2 weeks and was frequently hand delivered my favorite iced coffee. Our Tuesday night dates to the tiny downtown brewery were my favorite night of the week. The courtship was so amazing that it made it possible for me to look past the fact that I supported you through your first year of pilot training. (Yea, yea, thanks for the groceries.) And then that surprise proposal! Our plans for the east coast… I understood that you were being frugal and trying to prepare us financially. That’s why I didn’t mind purchasing my wedding band. You did exceptionally well with the engagement ring, after all. I couldn’t have picked a more perfect one myself. It indicated that you truly knew me.
I know it was a whirlwind after orders and you needed to spend quality time with family. It was just so stressful for me as well and I felt like no one understood that. I was working and packing and taking care of kids while fitting in 3 trips to the east coast in 2 months. You were being deployed and you were used to that. I, on the other hand, had been nowhere and had never put all my faith into one person. It was such a gamble but You convinced me to do just that. I believe at some point, you meant everything you promised. Unfortunately, you lack true integrity and your moral compass is broken. Despite being a reserve officer for the county, despite a career with the U.S. Navy, despite your fathers strong presence, somewhere along the way, someone taught you that you can justify all of your shitty behaviors if you just put the right spin on it. You posture for the world but you can’t even be honest about who you are. And because you can’t be honest with who you are, you destroy people. You knew I didn’t deserve to be lied to. You knew that I deserved to be loved without condition. You started this mess with your lie by omission. I should have had all of the facts. Instead, you built such an elaborate ruse that you couldn’t keep up and you got careless. You were always sloppy. Sloppy is a good description for a person who goes to Craigslist for your brand of whatever you call it. You also know that your brand of whatever you call it goes against the Navy’s code of conduct. And you bent the rules there to facilitate your brand of whatever you call it.
So it is what it is and we are where we are.
Here’s the reason I’m writing you…
If you ever felt even a shred of emotion for me, one ounce of respect, please do not ever do to another, what you did to me. Do not keep these things from anyone you really intend to build a life with because everything eventually comes to light, especially when there’s screenshots floating around out there. (Sorry, not sorry. Feel gratitude that I edited out your best asset instead of sharing as the nude that you circulated.) I feel the need to ask this of you because you don’t recognize human suffering or you just don’t have empathy, I’m not sure which.
Thank you for the adventure. Thank you for the hard lessons. Most of all, Thank you for never taking the time to walk on the beach with me because I don’t connect you with the Atlantic Ocean. You’re just someone I knew in a place that I love. Good luck.