Goodbye … for now or forever

Goodbye … for now or forever

Goodbye … for now or forever

LTME-postHey B,

To kick this off, I am writing this to you not in hopes of reconciliation or to place the blame on anyone (honestly, I don’t even think that our separation was at the fault of either of us). More so, I’m doing this so that when I look back on this time of my life, I can do so without any sort of regret or feeling that I would have, should have, or could have done something differently. It is to relieve my conscience so that I know that I did everything in my power to make things work but they simply did not or could not in the end.

On the first time we went out, I remember emphasizing the importance of and the high regard I place towards honesty, and that I would never get mad at you as long as you were honest with me. Looking back, I think that’s rather hypocritical of me because I have to admit that I was not honest. If I am to expect honesty from others in the future, I might as well be completely honest myself, starting with you.

During our relationship, I was very honest, or at least tried to be. When I complimented you or said I liked you or I cared, I meant every word. It was more so when I felt that things started to fall apart that the lies began to come into play.

When we broke up, I remember feeling completely fine and even excited but, at the same time, I felt like my feelings were off. For a short while, I was over the moon; I remember boasting to my friends that we broke up and that I was feeling “fucking amazing” and that I could finally dive back into the single life again and flirt with anyone I damn well pleased. For a whole day, I felt fine; perhaps I felt a small burst of sadness sometime during the day, but I played it off thinking that I’d be ready to have dinner with you and two other friends on the next day. I remember most of my friends asking if I was ready to see you again, and me being like yeah, guys, I’ll be fine, I promise.

Turned out, I wasn’t as fine as I initially thought. Seeing you that night allowed me to come to terms with how I was truly feeling and the reality of the breakup finally sank in. That was also the same night that I told you that I needed time and space away from you, as I was hurt and confused. I was no longer completely sure that I wanted to be friends with you anymore. Everything just happened so fucking suddenly, and your feelings and words seemed to come out of thin air. However, I still explored the possibility that maybe, just maybe, when the time was right, we could get back together again because we got along while we were together and shared many common interests. I cried a little that night to my friends, but fuck it, what happens happens.

After we broke up I believed that I would need about a week to get over it. Other people that I was close to were betting on two weeks to a month. It took me about four days (three, with an added a day for reassurance). That day, I texted you and asked you how you were, and you said that you no longer wanted to be friends. Admittedly, I was extremely confused by that as well and started to overthink things, because just four days ago, you were completely fine with the idea.

Initially, I thought to myself that I would never tell you how I truly felt because, as you well know, I hate looking weak and rarely let my true emotions materialize. I guess this whole thing just boils down to looking back at this part of my life and not wanting any sort of regret. After debating my feelings, I do not regret getting into a relationship with you in the first place, as the whole experience allowed me to get to know the guy that I liked near the beginning of senior year, and much closer to a girl who is now one of my closest friends. I do not know, and will probably never end up knowing, how you are doing at this time. Maybe things were smooth sailing for you after our breakup. Maybe you were not fine for a day, and now everything is okay again. Maybe you’re still a little not fine, and if that’s the case, it’s okay because breakups fucking suck and I went through the same thing too, as we’re all only human with our emotions. In an ideal world, jumping to friendship immediately following a relationship would be easy, but unfortunately, we don’t live in that ideal world. I suppose that after my romantic feelings for you dissipated, I do wish that friendship was an option for us because, unlike breaking off a romantic relationship, breaking friendships are almost never easy for me, and I occasionally miss the babes that I used to be friends with but am not friends with anymore. At the same time, even though I would still like to remain friends, I feel that it might also inhibit your ability/desire to move on to the future, so it may just be better for us to not do so. If I ever see you around at Cal, I would be fine with catching up, and I would be open to being friends, as I still have to fulfill my quota to say that you can no longer give me a hard time for being on the Berkeley waitlist when we graduate. But for now, I wish you luck at Cal because it’s gonna be fucking tough for the both of us, and best of luck with finding what you’re looking for in life.

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