Hello, Abra. It’s been a long time, isn’t it? I still thinking of you every day, but I think the memories keep getting better and better. I don’t see you as a saint anymore. I see you as what I used to say to you all the time: yes, now I see you as a dorky idiot again. Hahaha
I stopped asking about if now. I stop questioning universe about the other possible scenario. I stopped questioning what if I don’t go to my exam that day and stay next to you when you took your last breath. I stopped questioning what if I realized about your sickness earlier are you gonna make it. Most importantly, I stopped questioning what if you don’t have cancer and not passed away.
I realize that things must happen. It’s inevitable. It hurts, but nothing I can do about it.
Tbh, that’s exactly what annoys me the most till today: I can’t do anything about it. I can’t help ease your pain or stop those cancer spreading in your body. But you fight so bravely for the last three years of your life. You keep your positive attitude even when we knew it’s impossible for you to heal.
Even in those days, you keep holding my hand in every chance you had. You keep saying stupid puns that so not funny and make me roll my eyes everytime I hear another joke of yours. You still holding me so tight and saying I love you when we fight. You still kiss the top of my head when I hugged you right after I come back from campus. You always gonna ask me about my day and jokes about you don’t have a life. As always, I will roll my eyes but I keep telling you what happened and you paying attention to every small detail like everything I said is a matter of life and death.
You are such a pain in my ass. But guess what? I still love you. Till today, I still love you.
But don’t worry. I keep getting better. I stop seeing you as a man that so holy and do nothing wrong. Well, we both knew you sometimes throw a basketball right to the back of my head when we were younger. Not to mention how you always stole my lunch because you love my mum’s cook and swap it with a random food you buy somewhere . But hey, you. Guess what? I still love you.
I still read the letter you wrote me over and over again. It reminds me on how you talk. How you make stupid puns. How you love me. I don’t remember much. But I knew you love me so much, despite you throw a basketball at me once in a while.
I know you happier there. You don’t have to feel a pain from chemo anymore. You don’t have to drink that much medication. You can play under the sunshine because it doesn’t bring bad effect to you. You can play basketball till you can’t move because of tired and be okay about it the next day. You can do all the things you used to do before cancer came and destroyed it brick by brick.
But hey you. Guess what? I still love you.
Even when I remember you right this time, remember so sure that you such an arse, I still love you. I know, I definitely still annoyed you. I can imagine what you gonna say when you see me miss you so much in one of those days. You must have said,”Come on bella, move on and be happy already!”.Maybe you try to hit me with basketball too once in a while.
I know bear. I’m still working on it. Be patient, okay? Be patient!
I started to remember you right. Mostly, I still cry. But sometimes, I start smiling too. Give me some more time. I promise you, in the end, I will always end up smiling at your memories. Give me some more time, bear.
Fyi, I met this guy and called him bear too. He’s so different from you. But you both have the same animal’s behavior with so-not-humanly-funny dorky jokes you guys had. You animals have a very weird taste in humor. So I give him your nickname. I know you won’t mind. Even if you do, who cares? Like I’m gonna listen.
I don’t know. I kinda pretty sure that he’s gonna be the person I ended up with. He’s different. He makes me feel a butterfly in my stomach again and makes my heart skipped a bit here and there. Is that okay? I hope you like this idea. Because I think, I’ll move on eventually. This time, for real.
You’re always gonna have this special place in my heart, bear. You always will. You are part of me. But now, I have him to watch me while you’re busy up there. So yeah, I’ll be okay. I’ll always love you. But this time, I’ll move on and be happy.
So don’t worry much. Be happy up there. I’ll try my best to be happy down here too.
When we meet again. I’ll tell you everything. For sure, I know you’ll paying attention to every small detail like everything I said is a matter of life and death, just like you always do.
Hey abra. Guess what? I still love you.