Dear First

Dear First

Dear First

LTME-postEight years. You have been somewhere on my mind through and out. Today I write because I’ve finally found a place for you.

Our friendship during these years have been somewhat of a struggle.

It seems like between the person I was when we first met and who I am today, many lifetimes have passed. And in these years I have gone through quite a few of my own crises. Thank you for taking an interest in me, when I felt so completely misunderstood.

When we first “met” what attracted me the most was your intelligence, and wicked sense of humor. You seemed to have a sense about me, you seemed to know things, to know how I felt, what I wanted, what I thought, and yea when it resonated, it was a little scary. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, but it honestly felt like you were there, like someone who existed apart from me, yet like me. And I wanted to know you.

I’m writing to you is because our time is up. Funny, I remember you said that when we met and we had been lolly gagging for about an hour, you looked at your watch and said “time is up”. I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw you. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have asked you so many things, like how long have you been writing, what are your favorite books? Do you think I’m pretty? Just kidding, I like your eyes, and your height. I’m writing because there are some things I never said. But the most important reason that I’m writing to you is because you have been so giving in your yourself, you’ve shown vulnerability in ways that have awed me, besides I’ve been feeling really sad about leaving without saying a word.

True, I feel we know each other so well that a lot doesn’t need to be said, but I just want to express the things that I don’t have an answer to. Like what happened to make you so exhausted? Why did you never want to do something together?

I’m sorry I said those mean things, even recently. We were supposed to be going forth in a new direction of compassion, and instead I let my frustration get the best of me, I had a bad reaction. I didn’t mean it that way, let me explain. “There are no men left” (for me), that is what I meant to say, but I didn’t because it unravels me. I’ve been feeling that we’re close to the end and that I’ll never feel as close to another like with you. In that sense it’s true, there are no more men left (for me). But I should have never said that. It wasn’t an attack, although I was fully aware that it could have been taken that way.

Today I want to accept things as they really are. I don’t want to go over what you did to me, or what I did to you. I think for too long we’ve been so sensitized to each other’s criticisms that I think even a normal conversation about the weather would cause one or both of us to misinterpret things. I can’t get stuck on what you said, or didn’t do, it won’t take us anywhere. I’d rather tell you how important you have been to me. You were so strong when I was falling apart all over the place, you kept me together, you reminded me that it’s not so bad, that there’s another way of looking at things. I don’t know how you did it, but you had a lot of colors in your palate. You made me feel special. Thank you sooo much for showing me how to be expressive. I really think your talent goes beyond. You are a blessing. You write straight from the heart, you have a voice, you’re gentle, you’re refined, you’re articulate, and particular, you’re a bit shy and at the same time delirious. You need rest, and moments to yourself. And you need people to remind you that you’re only human. Thank you for caring about others and making sure that you always offer an encouraging word. You can always be counted on to do the right thing. Don’t talk about what we did to each other. We were young and stupid. Even now as I write there are things that elude me.

If I told anyone our story, anyone at all, they would all tell me the same thing. “He’s just playing a game” “it’s gone on this long because you’ve let it run this long” “everything with him is an assumption, you’ll never know the truth” “your love is untraceable” “you ignore reality”. And you know something, I can’t say they’re wrong. But I’m not appealing to them. I’m writing because I know you exist, and I know we’ve shared things with eachother that no one could ever know about. Why should I suffer unnecessarily over what others think, when they don’t understand because they never lived it, nor could they ever live it because to understand would require you to use your heart, not your eyes. Sure I can go with the masses and say that you an angry stranger with some sort of fixation on messing with my mind. Or I can remember that you are my friend, and my first love.

They’ll say, how can you call love someone who treated you like that? Because he doesn’t know any better. Because he’s angry, and he’s hurt, and I was just in the way, the person in front of him, so it’s going to come out, one way or another. I’m sort of a bit glad he wasn’t the only abusive one. I don’t want him to have negative thoughts flooding his mind on what he did. We both got pretty nasty, and since we didn’t have a way to cope, it needed to end. I’m talking as if it’s been 30 years. It sure feels like it.

I’m sad because no matter how hard I tried, my arms weren’t long enough to reach.Time is so finite. One day you’re 29, having a very public existential crisis, the next moment you’re 37 and resigned to the rhythm and uncertainty of life. It’s funny, I feel that when I had you I had no idea what to do with you, and now that I know, I don’t have you. And what would I do with you? Oh some things are better left unsaid.

I have a few things that I have thought about throughout the years. I always wanted you to fall in love. Not with me of course, I mean to experience love after having learned so much. I would love to see you happy. I swear if I saw you with your arms around another and gazing into another’s eyes lovingly I would know that there truly are second chances. You could make somebody really happy. If YOU ever decide to take a chance and step out of your comfort zone, you will find that after the darkness, there is peace, and after the void, there is fulfillment, and after the loneliness there is belonging.

Your birthday is coming up…Happy Birthday Handsome! I wish you a life full of possibilities. Here’s a fancy little brush for your new landscape.

Happy Thanksgiving jive Turkey! You never got to try my tofurkey but you would’ve loved it, even though you would’ve grimaced and pretended to throw it out! because you’re you.

Merry Christmas Pup, Jesus is the greatest! May you be certain that every one of your prayers are heard. Remember when it comes to pardoning sins which leads to inner peace, he’s the one to seek after.

Happy New Year!!! May this year be the start of a new day. May you look deep into yourself for the qualities that you need to survive. Your talents, hopes, dreams and desires. May God show you His glow and in turn, your glow.

So where to from here: I don’t know too much about the details, but I am sure of one thing. You will live. You will live in my hopes, you will live in my dreams, you will live in my creations, you will live in my silence, you will live in my forgiveness, you will live in the stillness, you will live in the breeze, you will live in my prayers, you will live in my letters, you will live in the sunrise and in the sunset, you will live in my appreciation, you will live in my vacation, you will live in the listening, you will live in the meaning, you will live in me. Because I love you, and that’s all there’s to it.

With love,
M

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