Its been four months since I decided to end things with you. It was honestly one of the best things for me but, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t one of the hardest things I had to do. I really thought you were the one, everyone did. My family, your family, it was ingrained in both our minds that we would be together forever. High school sweethearts, all of our friends relationships had died but we felt we could last. But those happy moments turned grey once we started college and you changed as a person. Smoking weed and drinking to take the pain away, depression hit you hard. You started to rely on me more which meant I was not getting to proper care from you. You became an angry person who would lash out at me and then apologize and promise you wouldn’t do it again. But, that never changed, the anger just got worse and you started to get involved with heavier drugs. Things I never agreed on but excused your behavior it because you were ill. I let a lot of things go which lead to me becoming insecure in myself and me, ultimately getting drained. I fell into a whirlwind of emotions, not caring about me. I constantly asked you to get help and you would, but, you would never follow through. Making up excesses and I just went with it hoping someday, you would get back to being your old self. You became very closed off from everyone, even me who you would tell all your secrets to. You started hiding things from me, and I started to loose trust. Sex was no longer meaningful, it was just a way for you to ease your pain. It was like I was an object to you, it didn’t feel like love making anymore. And I would just do it so you could feel better, no one was caring for me. Not you, not myself. So, I wound up cheating on you with a girl who showed me love. But I realized, the only reason I was interested in her, was because she gave me things you couldn’t. The caring side of you was lost, and every time we hung out we would just watch television and smoke. No more deep conversations about our lives, about our future. Because you didn’t want to face reality, and the fact that your life was shit. I would ask you over and over if we could have one night where we did not smoke for once. But, somehow you would convince me it was okay and so a rapid cycle went on. In the summer, I started to watch videos of how a man should treat his lover. None of the descriptions fit you, it fit the way you used to be. I moved on to thinking of why I should break up with you, and all the right reasons were in front of me. The summer was full of painful nights, and battles with myself. Trying to wrap my mind around if it was a good idea or not. To even think about leaving a relationship I had worked so hard on, and was so invested in was crazy. I will always remember, the last day we hung out together. We got sushi which used to be our favorite thing to do together, but this time, it felt so cold. I woke up the next morning, with you next to me, and I said goodbye to you. I kissed you for the last time as I headed to work, and knew it was time. But, I chickened out and wound up just asking to take a break. I remembered how shocked you were, you couldn’t even look me in the eye. After a couple of weeks of no communication, I was starting to realize this relationship was never going to be the same. I was growing and you were falling behind, I could not save you. It is honestly crazy how you hear that saying, you can’t save someone, but then you still feel in your heart its possible. When I went down the shore, it was painful. Memories of us flooded and a typically family fun vacation was turned into days of constant panic attacks. I could not do it any longer, I needed to end it. My heart was pumping, my teeth were grinding, waiting for you to respond back to my text to see if you could talk. After hours of waiting, my dad convinced me to just call you. So I did, and I broke up with you over the phone. Something, I never thought I would do. I thought its better to do it in person, especially if you are involved with someone long term. However, I wound up going against my beliefs. I honestly regret calling you, because I know if you did that to me, I would be so hurt. I am sorry for that, because I feel there was so much more we needed to discuss then just having a five minute phone call. I didn’t give you the chance to express your feelings and i am truly sorry for that. But, the panic attacks were just getting worse and I needed to end it before I hurt myself even more. The vacation, just got worse as I was up bawling my eyes out with my mother almost every night. Realizing what I had just done, I had ended a relationship that had been my life for 3 1/2 years. You were not going to be my husband. Instead, you were a life lesson. I went on with my summer having my good and bad days. However, I was slowly starting to feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was no longer always worrying about how you were, how you were going to get better, and if you would ever be the same. I was just focusing on me, which I had not done for a while. When I thought things were doing alright, you contacted me to talk. Originally I agreed but, I was not emotionally ready. I wound up telling you no, and you were hurt because you did not get the proper closure. Sometimes, I feel that we should have met up but I know deep down, I might have easily just fallen back into your arms. School started up and memories of you visiting me at school kept popping up in my mind. To stop those thoughts, I turned to hook up apps, hoping maybe there would be a guy who would treat me well. Didn’t find anything but flakes who just wanted my body, kind of like you towards the end of our relationship. Then, a boy that seemed promising came into my life. He was the opposite of you, friendly, kind, outgoing, driven. Though, he had some of the same habits as you, he vaped. Which I despised of, and you said you would stop but never did. I knew deep down he was no good but, I was craving a mans touch and I let him love me for a night. After that, he vanished and it was harsh because I had never experienced something like it. Neither did I think I would put myself in that type of situation. The pain came back, and then stopped when I met another boy. He instantly made me feel special when he told me how beautiful my eyes were. Flirtatious conversations in class lead to late night talks. Though, whenever I would reach out to get together, he would come up with excuses kind of like you. Which sent me back into an emotional state, and I just saw this cycle of me getting attached way too soon. I wanted to latch onto someone so I could feel the love I missed. The past we had before you changed, the nights we cuddled, laughed, and enjoyed each others company. Every little thing reminds me of you, sometimes I am able to smile about it and move on. Other things, I can’t get past and I wind up breaking down. Especially right now, around the holidays when we shared a lot of loving memories together. The fried turkey you would make for my family the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve at your place where your family would make an amazing seven fishes feast. The exchanging of gifts between you and I, even our immediate and extended family would all be apart of the gift giving. This year you honestly gave me the best gift, the opportunity to sky dive, a dream I had for a while. I will always be grateful for you pushing me into doing it, because it was the most amazing experience of my life. But, all those memories are the good, the happy times we shared. But in reality, there were more bad times. Something that stuck with me which originally I thought was so odd, was when I was over your house. One of the charms on my pandora bracelet you got me when we first started dating, got caught in between the holes of your table. The charm broke, it was the key to my heart and the key had fallen off. That was a metaphor for how we no longer fit together as a couple. You no longer made me feel special, and loved and cared for. I remember the first year we spent together was blissful, and you treated me as a lover should be. Though, family, and your ego got in the way and eventually the boy I feel in love with was gone. I know now that we were meant to be together for a short time, and not forever and I have accepted that. You were meant to be my soulmate for a couple of years, not my eternal love. We did grow together from teenagers to young adults, but I wound up leaving you half way and growing too fast for you. I know as time goes on, you will eventually stop lingering in my mind as much as you do now. Four months ago, I never thought the pain of loosing you would go away. However, I do see a big change, and now its time for me to focus on myself. Doing things that I enjoy, and not what you enjoyed. Being okay with just doing me. Which is hard, because I was use to having someone right by my side for so long. I was doing fine for a while and then this week, the good times we had started to dance through my mind again. Making me miss you and want to call you up to just talk. Because again, I do feel guilty for how I ended things and that you were not able to get full closure. But, I don’t think it is necessary for us to meet because I do not want to be with you, and I fear if I see you, I will want to get back with you. You were safe, comfortable and how easy it would be to go back to that. But I know thats not good for me, I need a man who can hold his own, love me for me, make me feel as though there is no other girl in the world that could make him more happy. Someone who will laugh at my weird jokes, show interest in the things I love, love my family as I would love his. A man who can hold me when my anxieties are at an all time high. Take me on adventures, and get me out of my comfort zone. Most of all, I need someone who will grow with me. That is the type of man I want, that is the type of man I will love, that man is not you. As hard as it is to wait, I will patiently wait because good things come in time. Right now, its all about me and loving myself. Because I am worthy of love, and deserve the best kind of love. I am not doing okay this week, but, I know soon I will be better by just loving me.
Late night thoughts