Just a little word

Just a little word

Just a little word

LTME-postWhat is love? It’s a word. It’s a song. It’s a connection. It’s a devotion. It’s an acceptance. Love is intimate. Love is everlasting. Love is communicating. All of these ideas can be love. Love has a different meaning to everyone.

Love is just primarily a word. It has no meaning. Maybe not for you. Maybe not for me. But the word “love” has no meaning to a person I once knew. She is caring. She is affectionate. She has hospitality. She is smart. She is beautiful. She is an amazing person who will do great things. But she doesn’t value the word “love” as I do.
I loved this woman unconditionally. I will never have any regrets on how I treated this woman. In my eyes, I couldn’t have treated her any better. Never any fights. It was almost perfect. How did I get so lucky? In the end, she wasn’t really a woman. I was deceived, like I was wearing a blindfold over my eyes for over a year. I self-deprived myself, like the Coyote trying to capture the Roadrunner in the cartoons. No longer is she a “woman,” she is simply a girl. I loved her as a woman, but she broke my heart as a girl. That girl will never regret how she made me feel. She walked away from me easier than making a dessert in an Easy-Bake Oven. How can you walk away so easily? What did I do to deserve this? I understand that people have to walk away. But why like this?

“Love” is just simply a word to her. No communication. Unresponsive. Months after the fact, still nothing but silence. This word called “love” was used frequently by this girl. Through text when I woke up and went to bed. Through the care and support she offered me. She said it straight into the depths of my eyes after seeing her and after we played some games in between the sheets. We didn’t play these games “safely,” but in my heart and eyes, this was unconditional “love.” Looking back at when we played our “games,” I’ll never understand how someone can give themselves up and walk away so easily.

I actually tried to move mountains to stay with the person I said “I loved.” I bought flowers, I bought a cake, I had flowers delivered to her job of employment, I bought her favorite snacks, but most importantly, I offered communication. None of the materialistic frivolous gifts mattered. She agreed to meet with me through text to talk face to face. The only thing I ended up talking to was a brick wall. No emotion. Her face was a stone. I would have been better off visiting the Stonehenge monument and England and I would have had a more meaningful interaction. Like AC/DC would say, I was “Shot Down in Flames.” She acted like the “girl” I now know her as. Ignoring me. Hiding from the problem that was created. Selfish and childish, just playing with my feelings. I poured my heart out. I poured more water out of my eyes than water pouring out of the Susquehanna.

A real man accepts the fact when he was wrong. I said some hurtful things myself, but I’m not perfect person. Nobody is a perfect individual. Yes, I got upset. I wanted to create a special day for her birthday, but I was denied. I made it a bigger deal than what it should have been. But looking back, it was a red flag that I missed. We went a whole year without fighting. The fight that happened was the first, but it was also the last. What was the fight about? LIFE. The simple thing that we face each day of our lives and something we can’t hide from. I overthink. I get upset. I look forward to the future and what it holds. What is so wrong with that? I like to be prepared. I like to have an idea to what to expect. Again, nobody is a perfect individual. Life is tough. I love my friends and family. I couldn’t wish to have better people in my life. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

“I don’t have anything on my mind; just blank”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”

These quotes from her hurt. After countless of adventures, nights spent together, dinners, movies, trips, but there is nothing to talk about? “Just blank.” That’s my favorite. Blank must mean the blank space she has had in her heart for me since I met her. I feel like I was just feeding her attention, giving her things that made her feel special. Looking back on everything, I never once received a gift from her that had a value of sentiment. I always received normal gifts. Clothes, cologne, razors, and knick-knacks. I always gave gifts with sentimental value. I was in love. I wanted to give gifts that would last forever. I gave gifts that were memorable. There were red flags everywhere, but I was blinded.

Our families were great to each other. I really loved her family. They always treated me with respect. Where did her respect go in the end? Why couldn’t she respect me enough to answer me, to talk to me, to even respond to my calls or texts in the end? I never disrespected her. I never used profanity. I never lashed out at her. I blamed myself. I knew I was wrong. In reality, she forced a fight on me. She was ready to leave me any day. Lying and using that word called “love.”
There was no closure. She made no attempt to give me the respect that I gave her. I understand some questions go unanswered, but a simple apology or conversation would have been ideal. In a sense, there are answers that I won’t want to know. Answers that might make me feel worse. Answers that might taint my heart even more. More lies could arise as to why it all fell apart. Sometimes, you have to create your own closure if your partner won’t. Writing this article is a closure of my thoughts, my feelings, and my pain.

If I have any advice to any readers that have made it this far, I would say to always tell someone how you feel. Don’t lead people on. Don’t lie to another human being’s heart. As hard as it is, it will be harder for the other person to overcome the pain. Not the pain of the initial displeasure, but the pain of being lied to for days, months, and years. To this day, I feel like a piece of trash on the sidewalk, waiting to be thrown into more trash in a dump truck, and laid to rest in a landfill with more trash.

All you can do is stay positive. Life is still moving. There are better things. Better people. Better opportunities. You have to be professional. Keep doing what you love. Reconnect with hobbies and friends you haven’t explored in a while. I’m hurt, but I learned lessons. People are immature, but not everyone. Be the mature one like I, face your problems, accept that you made a mistake. It’s not about what kind of mistakes we make, but it’s how we fix those mistakes.

Don’t let someone bring you down, especially if you had a bigger heart for them than they had for you. We are still all human beings. I’ll say it again, but nobody is perfect. God still loves us all.

I was cheated. For the next days, for the next months, for the next years, I’ll still be thinking about the answers I never will receive and why the only woman I have ever gave my entire heart to doesn’t want to be with me. There is that closure again. You have to find your own closure if your partner isn’t going to give any.

To the readers, I only have to say one thing. Always put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Before you take any action that is going to affect someone else’s life, take a look at the other perspective. Communication. No matter if things are great, or if things are going south, communication is essential.

In the end, I’m lucky this happened now. I realized that it was more beneficial for this to happen now, than having it wait any longer. It isn’t fun when you truly love someone, and they don’t truly love you back.

“Say what you really feel to my face; just like you told me you loved me to my face.” – Matt Tavaglione

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