Dread hit me hard when I finally entertained my itch to look at your online profile. It has been nearly a year since things have ended, and months more than that since we were on a steady decline. I saw you, with her. The girl that I always triggered deep insecurity. She always made me envious of how precious she was to you. The platonic dates she planned for you both while we were together, your aversion to my gentle questions, your exchange of texts that I finally succumbed to reading while you were in the shower last summer. You flew to Montreal for her while you hardly ever bothered to drive to me.
We started our affairs as typical millennials do, hooking up and hitting the ground running into a relationship that we (or rather, I) had rushed into. I’m sorry for the emotional turmoil that I had put you through while you were going through things that you couldn’t share. I know it was not easy loving me, I just refused to figure that your affections could ever flicker as dim as my outlook for myself. I wanted someone to love me more than I could ever love myself. You, the person who claimed to understand me more than I ever could. You ultimately couldn’t give this grand love to me, but I understand that this is probably unreasonable. I’m finally learning to love myself more. I now know that it’s not two halves, but rather two complete, harmonious persons that make a whole.
I want to let you know that I wish you the very best. You were a great guy that I sincerely pray happiness for, even if it’s with someone who can fill the pieces of your heart that I never could. The person who already partially had it filled. I’ve moved on, and am at peace with how things ended. You are pursuing your career and have things together now, no longer needing your ex as a crutch in your rehabilitation. I’m thankful for our brief and genuine friendship when you were in a space of transition.
As you had said in that cafe after the show, “I will always [care for] you.” We both met and left each other whilst lost, and we will both find love again after finding ourselves.
With all the love,