I hate that I don’t hate you

I hate that I don’t hate you

I hate that I don’t hate you

LTME-postFirst of all, you’re an asshole. You are an asshole for allowing me to give you EVERYTHING that was important to me- mentally and physically. You are an asshole for not having enough respect to wait-or to EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO HIDE THE FACT THAT YOU DECIDED to start sleeping with someone else so quickly by not posting her face all over your social media. You are an asshole for telling me that you loved me and then telling me that you just did not anymore.

For dumping me over Facetime. For showing up at my job the next day to thank me for the wonderful time I had given you and then disappearing leaving me to deal with the confusion, loss, embarrassment and heartbreak. I took care of you when you had surgery- I helped you take a fucking shower because you weren’t able to. I held your hand and stayed up with you in the hospital when you could no longer deal with the pain. I helped you eat, I sat in the surgery waiting room without having eaten for 5 hours ALONE, just to make sure you were okay. I took you home, I visited you everyday to make sure you were okay. After you were back in your apartment, with your friends-I was your emotional fucking punching bag. I dealt with your restlessness and you being an asshole to me because you ran out of pain medicine. I dealt with you constantly disappearing and ignoring my calls; I dealt with your inconsistency and your failure to reciprocate the support and love that I so faithfully gave to you. I loved you even though you told me I was getting big and you were starting to feel less attracted to me, and when you told me that my lack of self love made you love me less. When I called and you were drunk and you told me you wanted to fuck other women. You know how terrible that made me feel? I was insecure about EVERY SINGLE WOMAN in the world. And you know what? I SHOULD have loved myself more- but I couldn’t because I gave you all the love that I had. When you were down, I gave everything I had to bring you up. When I was down, it got too much for you. I was TOO emotional, I expected TOO much- leaving me to constantly be down because of how “invaluable” I was to you. I constantly lied and told you that I was sad over something personal, or my job, or whatever came to mind -but in reality it was you. But how could I tell you that? I was always second to you and when I finally realized it, it was too late and I was so deeply in love with you that I chose to fight for it-regardless of how I felt. I lost myself to you when I shouldn’t have. I should have known that you were too immature- too selfish to be able to love me the way I loved you. All my actions towards you were a result of how you acted towards me. I just wanted the best for you, I always did. I wanted the best for us-but you only thought about yourself. You only talked about your issues with school, your dad, your broken arm- and I was always there to listen and support you. I would have done anything for you. I was not perfect- but my only mistake was loving you too much and not loving myself enough.

Don’t worry. I know better now. I don’t need someone like you. I should have left you a long time before you decided to leave me. Shit, your best friend even thought I should have left you. It’s funny how the world works. All that time I thought I had lost something- but exactly what did I lose? The best gift I could have gotten was to have myself back from the arms of a man who didn’t and does not deserve me. I’m not broken anymore. In fact, I really am better than I have been in a long time. Being with you taught me to never settle for anything less than I deserve- I don’t take crap from people anymore- at work, at home. Anywhere. I will never be anybody’s fool ever again like I was for you. I got a new job, new car, I’m fit, I’m beautiful. I am beautiful. I have a beautiful heart with so much love to give to myself and to someone who deserves it. I didn’t need to fill my void with another man. I filled it with myself. I’ll tell you what you lost though, if you haven’t figured it out by now. A woman that would have stood by your side through thick and thin, who would have respected you, and motivated you. A sexy, beautiful, confident woman who refuses to take shit from anyone. I was a weak woman to you because you were a weak man to me. I need you like a fish needs a bicycle. I wish you luck finding another woman like me because there isn’t one. Take care.


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