I’m not quite sure why I’ve been holding onto this hurt for so long now – it’s been over a year – but nevertheless, it’s obviously time for me to write this letter and purge myself of it. I believe the hurt I’ve carried since you has undoubtedly affected by perception of myself and also has subconsciously affected my relationships with men since you.
I admit I have a very negative belief system about men and I have no doubt that you contributed to this somehow – whether you meant to or not.
So here’s my thoughts and feelings about our short, yet impactful relationship.
When I first met you I wasn’t actually all that interested by you. My heart didn’t flutter and I didn’t think “Wow”. Looking back now, I suppose I can recognise that I was “looking for” and thought I was ready for the real thing… another relationship. So, I fell into you. You never really made me excited – at least at this present time I can’t recall any outstanding memories. Not even the sex…because it was always missionary on your bed. Time with you was utterly domestic and stable. While I thought this was what made me happy, in fact it was what YOU craved and what suited YOU, not me. And so I did what I do best – I pleased. I caved and compromised for you because pleasing you made me feel worthwhile.
The problem was, I never got that pleasure or contentment back from you. You were in a committed relationship with something else already – your job. You always will be. You couldn’t even pretend to enjoy time with the most important people in MY life. Your mind was always somewhere else…always on the next call or the next appointment. Because that’s your happiness. My concern is that you still think you have the capacity to love 2 things wholeheartedly and simultaneously – a woman and your job. This is your issue to remedy and I feel deeply for the next woman that will fight for your attention in the future, like I did. But this time I need to recognise that this is not my burden to carry or feel – my lesson has been learnt from you and I guess I should thank you for that.
I cannot save everybody, I just hope she is stronger than I was. I do not regret how open and accommodating I was to you. I am proud and glad I have these beautiful qualities that someone out there is craving in a strong, independent, smart, caring woman. You just didn’t need or value these qualities and that’s okay now… I have this lesson.
People and circumstances don’t really change unless they’re meant to, and I am completely thankful that it was only a short 8 month lesson. It could have damaged me further than this and I am proud of myself for walking away and not turning back to comfort.
It’s over now and I am finally letting go of these feelings and no longer carrying this mistrust, disappointment, or neediness into my future relationships.