Missed connection

Missed connection

Missed connection

LTME-postIt’s been hard coming to terms with this. But it hasn’t been as difficult as the other times when you left me. They say that soulmates mirror each other. I really do believe it now. I’m angry for all those times you left me to feed your ego or was it to empress others? Or to prove that you were more desirable than me? I won’t deny being cruel and cold in my affection sometimes. I was tired of your games. I knew what they were. I guess it was a battle of egos. Who can prove their dominance over the other? I won’t deny that I was emotionally manipulative at the beginning. I had been terrified of giving my heart to another. Especially to you. you seemed like you took pride in making girls pine and cry over you. I saw the way you laughed after you told the story about how you made you ex gf cry after you ended it with her. It seemed very callous. It’s not something you laugh about. It was a red flag right there. And It left a bad taste in my mouth. But I also saw moments of kindness and innocence in you. And I saw that it scared you and you felt safe enough with me to show me that side. I really fell for you right then. I liked playing mind games with other men too making them desire me but never giving them the satisfaction of having me. I guess that’s a mirror for you. I also pretended to be someone else. Maybe you knew or still don’t know. Maybe you’re confused by it all. And at first I was too. I really wanted to be someone else to escape from a nightmare I was living in. It really helped me cope. An unhealthy coping mechanism. Deception is like an addiction it feeds off of ones fear. And I was so fearful then. I couldn’t control it and it ate at my soul. That’s when things went left with us. Maybe had I been honest. We would’ve established a deeper connection. Is that why you wanted to find better versions of me? Or was it just lust? I’m not sure. Only you know what’s in your heart and what’s in your mind. I’m afraid to know if you cheated during our relationship. I think you know it too. I’m afraid of finding out its with that evil bitch you call your best friend. You allowed her to disrespect me so many times but why should I even be shocked if you did it consistently if it wasn’t with her then it would’ve been with someone else. This shit is really fcked up. On both ends. Me with my secrets and lies and you with your infedilities and constant disrespect. I wonder how much you said was real and how much was bs you repeated to others . You know after graduation and we were finally intimate I felt like our union was sacred. When we made love it felt like we were meant for each other. But after you left again and we tried it again it felt less sacred and more lust driven. Like the connection was finally broken. I tried to act like everything was okay I even coddled you and rubbed your hair. But I felt broken. Really defeated at that point. What was the point of this sham? It’s almost as if I could sense every person you had slept with at that moment. I felt dirty. Not loved. Eventhough you said you loved me.i knew it was just comfort. I was a security blanket. And maybe I deserved it. Or maybe I don’t? TBH I’m not sure anymore. It’s hard to erase everything and start from scratch. And put a smile on like nothing’s wrong. Sometimes I’m fine and I want to just forget about you and all the bad shit. But then out of nowhere I’m reminded of our love and how sweet It was at the start. I wish I could burn those thoughts . It hurts to think about us. I’m finally going to give someone else a chance. And I think I need someone like him to ground me and love me. So Ive decided to cut our union. Bc I’m tired that we can never just be. It’s always been a war zone with us. And I just want to be loved and be treated as an equal not an enemy. And it’s always been that way with you. Idk why I tried to be honest with you last time and you couldn’t do the same. then I saw that you were back to your old ways again only moments after we tried to patch things up. So I had to cut you off. It hurt but it was the right thing to do. And I hope I can erase this completely one day.

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