I met you on a cold night, with wind being hypothermic. The weirdest part of this, isn’t that it’s a letter where you can’t see, but that it’s a letter I’ve tried writing a hundred times in almost four years. I would always catch you looking at me when I was laughing, smiling, hugging, or messing around with my group at school. When I would fall or trip, you would briefly have a concerned look on your face, and I pretended I didn’t notice and keep going on my way.
I would also notice you wandering towards me, maybe trying to find an excuse to be around me, or something. I would even hear people in and out of my group talking about things you’d be doing and things you’d be saying, most always having to do about me. After all this time, you still seem to never really leave my life…
However, this past week, I believe I fell for you, all over again. I didn’t want to, I tried not to… Maybe it was in the touches that we’d share, often, when you’d be trying to take my notebook from me to read my poems, that I fell. Maybe, it was in the teases and laughs we exchanged when playing pool or having a normal conversation before the pool place closed, that my heart once again discovered her rhythmic beats. Or, it was the way your face would light up, when you’d walk over, knowing I’d smile at your efforts and your nearness, that I remembered what metaphorical butterflies felt like, and the breathlessness I felt when you smiled…
I promise, I was over you, at some point…by at some point I mean for one summer vacation, 2 months, that I didn’t think about, dream about, or swear I’d heard your voice somewhere nearby me. I still love you as I did when I first met you on that night where the heartless wind blew harshly at us, but never blowing us apart, but pushing to keep us close… You were and always will be MY first love…and I will always love you, even if I’m not your first love, or your last.
If we can have times like we had, I’d never tell you how I feel. I would continue to pretend to be your friend so that you would keep me near, even if it makes me suffer to see you with someone you aren’t 100% happy with. I’ll never tell you this secret. You aren’t ready to hear it anyways.
Hopelessly Holding On,
The One That Never Got A Chance,