Where do I begin?
I love you, but you know that. Maybe you’ve questioned my feelings this past month, having not heard from or seen me. I know I’ve questioned yours. Let’s be honest. Love was never the trouble. We always had an abundance of that. We love each other and that’s okay. But we know that relationship is over.
You stared at me over our margaritas and admitted to reading my journal. You shared with me your fears of holding me back. You elaborated that you were worried this couldn’t last because you’ve still never been “single”. You didn’t expect me and I didn’t expect you. We agreed to take things slow neither of us wanted to start anything serious. Three years later… it was serious. We let our love for each other carry us into something we never planned for.
You tried to shake that feeling. You hoped you would grow out of it. But you never did. That feeling was still there at the end of our second year, hidden deep inside of you… behind your warm smile, your sweet touch, your reassurance at how happy you were. You told me you ARE happy and that’s the problem. We’re happy… but you still have that feeling. I wanted to explode from sadness and disappointment. How could that be? How could all this not be enough to clear your head?
You need to come to the conclusion on your own. There’s something you need and I’m not sure you know yet what that is. It’s so heartbreaking. It’s heartbreaking to see someone I love so confused and in pain… and causing me pain, too. I have no choice but to let you go. You have no choice but to go. We can’t talk our way, hug our way, kiss our way, laugh our way, or love our way out of this. This is the end, and we know it needs to happen.
After all these years, I realized how great we are together. We considered starting a family a couple years ago and it lit a fire inside of me and love I never knew. But we didn’t start that family, because you had doubts. My heart broke and still breaks. I want our children. I want our little house in the woods (with the chickens, no surprise). I want your arms around me when I first wake up. I want those 10 minutes of snoozing when we just lay there and hold one another in sleepy loving silence. I want to squeeze a tiny version of us into that image. Our babies, tangled up with us in a giant bed… making breakfast together. Laughing, growing, and learning together. I want that for the rest of my life.
There is a huge part of me that hopes you take this time to find that thing you’ve been looking for. I hope this time allows you to find fulfillment in yourself and to not search for it in a relationship. I hope our paths cross again. I hope we find this love again, further down the road, when we’re both ready. But hope is a dangerous thing.
Hope holds us back and keeps us tied to something we have no control over. I need to let go and accept that I have no control. My love for you is so strong and so deep. I almost don’t want to give it up. But I must. I MUST.
I love you my darling. I forgive you. I forgive us. I forgive myself.
I will carry our memories with all the love and passion that we’ve always shared. Know how much we loved. Never loose that. Its such a magical connection that cannot be put into words. Carry that with you in all you do.