Abusive relationships don’t start off abusive. I am not an idiot for falling for you, even though most days I feel like one. In the beginning you made me happy and made me feel loved and wanted. We laughed together all the time, you made me feel butterflies. Now I can’t stand to look at you. You didn’t like me talking to my guy friends so I cut them off. Then you didn’t like me going out with my girl friends so I cut them off. You made me feel guilty going out without you that it was almost a relief to not have the burden anymore. Then, it was just you and I. We spent every day together. Anytime I was away from you you asked me who was around me, if any guys were flirting with me, and made me tell you anytime I talked to anyone. I couldn’t have a conversation with anyone besides you without feeling like I was doing something wrong. Anytime I talked to you I had to tip toe around what to say in fear of making you upset. You constantly put me down and made me feel like my problems didn’t matter. You turned every argument around on me. Our fights slowly grew louder and louder to the point that I was scared the neighbors would call the police. Then you made me flinch. We were arguing and you cocked your fist ready to punch me and I flinched. You stopped as soon as you saw the scared look on my face, you apologized and said it would never happen again. I believed you. I remember every time you’ve grabbed me, pushed me, and choked me. I can still feel your hands on me. I believed you would change, I believed every time would be the last. I believed that one day you’d be the you I fell in love with. I remember every name you’ve called me and why. You called me a ‘disgusting slut’ for liking another guys photo on Instagram. You called me a ‘fat cow’ for posting a picture of myself in a bikini on the beach, I am 110 lbs. I didn’t have any friends to talk to so I kept everything bottled up inside. When my old best friend reached out to me to catch up I felt so guilty for talking to him, but, for the first time, I felt guilty for dropping him for you. I finally spilled the beans. I told him everything. I told him how you cheated on me and I stayed with you because I was too scared to leave, I told him that you did drugs behind my back daily, and I told him how you hurt me. I thought to myself ‘is this really my life?’ I couldn’t believe I put up with your bullshit for so long. I couldn’t believe how ridiculous I sounded. Saying all these things out loud made me realize that I deserve better. I deserve more than this. I deserve to not live in constant fear. The next morning I packed my backpack and left. I thought that was the end of it. Boy was I wrong. I moved back in with my parents, I left all my belongings at our apartment. I went back a week later to get my things and you were there. We argued and you pushed me to the ground and choked me. Not surprised. Now, about two months later, you still call me names and you threathen to kill me. Me leaving you was the worst thing that could have happened to you. You lost your ‘property’. I thought this nightmare was over. But even so, I’m happier without you. I’m happy I can do what I want, say what I want, and talk to who I want without feeling guilty or scared. I know now that I am worth so much more. I deserve to be happy and to be loved by someone that doesn’t constantly make me feel so shitty about myself. I cannot believe I loved a monster like you.
I am no longer afraid of monsters, because I once loved one