Hello Sarah (Tharah)
So many things I’d like to tell my former best friend and partner at this point, three years after it ended so poorly. Chiefly, my reactions were reprehensible. Since I’m not sending this directly to you it should be considered a half-assed attempt to forgive myself, and will most likely be an incomprehensible thought-scribble.
The end state, or what led to the schism, was almost without a doubt related to a substance abuse issue that I use as a tool to medicate for my (recently diagnosed) post traumatic stress. Almost all of my complaints at the end can be tied to this factor.
I saw you twice today in traffic. I hadn’t seen you for almost two years prior to today. The first time I was confused, because that SUV you were driving wasn’t the white Audi we got sideswiped in. The second time I recognized that sexy resting bitch face and my heart swelled and fell with the recognition. To lose a relationship is to nearly experience a death. To live within a mile of your estranged ex is a surreal form of self torture.
I said a lot of stuff out of hurt and anger when we split. To me, I was being abandoned- and in a time of mental crisis the betrayal felt horrible and so disappointing. We were engaged, and the vows we were set to make included ‘sickness and health’.
I don’t blame you for being unable to cope with me at that point. I couldn’t do it myself.
Sent you a fairly nasty text message recently and your response, while compassionate, showed me that our paths of growth have been drastically different.
‘I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy.’
I’m sorry you still don’t see that being happy yourself is a key component in a relationship.
I made a very bold statement when the drama was happening and I still stand by it. You are the last person to ever receive my trust, my heart, my hope for the future.
Most importantly- I don’t hold any grudges and I pray that your future is more good than bad.
With much love (in the humanitarian sense)