It’s been a while since you stood before me. Since I’ve seen your face, When I met you I saw the face of someone who promised to never hurt me, or use me. You promised me that we would take the journey together in what I thought was supposed to be a supportive, and loving relationship. I had no idea that it would come at a cost. That holding hands, and really “loving” you would come at a price.
I want to let you know that at the time we were together, I was convinced that it was actually love. And the words you began using to shatter me with were all phases. It was hard to think that the person that I had fallen so head over heels for had become a different person. Had a hidden alter ego, that had been hidden for so long.
I used to think that the time we spent together was healthy. That the way “love” was shown was in the form of putting myself down and building you up. I used to think that you not treating me like your equal was just because you were having a tough day. I did so much to support you. To make you feel better. To make you believe I was worth keeping around. I changed my life and had evolve around you.
I wanted to believe that first time the name calling started, and the appearance of lies began that it was just your way of showing me you were upset. It was hard experiencing it over and over again. You will never understand how much you shattered my belief in myself. How you made me feel like my very bones were breaking. I was exhausted with how much you put me through. And how you made me feel like in order to be worthy of love I had to be pressured to do things to you, and with you I never wanted.
I tried my hardest to swallow my feelings. And take the pieces that broke and eat them. The more it happen the more I began thinking this is not what I signed up for. This is not the person I fell in love with. And yet I tried so hard to endure it.
I never got to tell you the damage you caused. And that our relationship was toxic. In fact it wasn’t much of a relationship at all. You see relationships mean equality. You see relationships mean mutual LOVE and mutual respect between both partners. It is not angry. It does not use harsh words to bring other people down. Or tear them down.
You became more aggressive. You became more distant. You asked where I was and who I was with. And when I addressed you, and told you how I felt you said “I’ll change”. And for a while I believed you. I believed that the changes were real. That you honestly meant what you said.
But after months of enduring you, I realized that I proven wrong again and again. I realized I wasn’t in a good place. We were never in a real “relationship”. I began to fear for my safety. And you began to make excuses.
Suddenly I began to think about what I was putting myself through. And if I was meeting MY potential. All the little broken pieces of me tried to keep us together. But the empty breathe I felt told me no more.
I finally came to my senses. NOT with your help. But with the help of people who really were concerned about my well being. I felt lost thinking about how it would be if we broke up. I felt like I couldn’t function because my entire world revolved around you. I wasn’t going to just lose my partner but I was going to lose my life.
But time passed. And I got help. And the people who actually loved me reminded me of my worth. There were days where I didn’t know what to think about myself. I felt dirty. And manipulated, and useless. But my loving family still loved me. They believed in me. Showed me faith. Taught me how to hope again.
Everything you took away I ended up gaining back in my life. Everything you thought you owned and thought you had control over is gone. I no longer accept name calling. Or verbal afflictions. I know better than that now.
While I am glad of the impact people have made on my life. There are times though were I do still feel like a victim. And I feel like instead of thriving I am merely surviving. But the reality is I am better, and will always be better without you. You did a lot of damage to me. And my hope is that you never hurt anyone else again.
I no longer think I lost, my person. Instead I gained my life back. I gathered whatever strength was left in me, and cut off a toxic end. I think back to those moments we had where you made me feel like nothing. But then I closed my eyes and reminded my self that I did it. That I finally let go of something that caused me nothing but harm.
I want you to know though I have worked to be a SURVIVOR. And nothing you could say, or do will ever change the progress I made. I don’t want to think about what my life could have been like if I never did decide to leave you.
I survived something that some people never get out of that. And everyday I think of each day that passes as a day to help people, in a similar way I was helped, I am reminded of my purpose.
I do know where you are. And who your with. But it my hope that you learn to truly learn to love someone. That you truly learn the definition of a “relationship” and work hard, and stay committed into never hurting another soul.
I want you to know I forgive you. I forgive everything that happened between us. Even though there are moments where it still makes it hard to sleep at night. But I also want you to know I will never forget. You serve as a constant reminder of what I never want to experience again. And what I never want to go back to.
I hope you get the help you needed. That you understand that the value of a person is not in tearing them apart but loving them unconditionally. Words do hurt, and every time you use them, it is my hope you understand the real impact they have.
I am doing better now. And I am not looking back. And by the grace of God I have moved on and have grown into someone who not only believes in themselves but knows whose love they are worthy of. You tore me down once. But I’ve risen like a tower. And I am here to stay.