Gray

LTME-postDear Gray,

Honestly didn’t see my life going towards this direction when I first met you. When we first met, you told me that you weren’t looking for any kind of relationship. You were in a bad place and I wasn’t either but starting off as “friends” grew to more. I started spending every day with you. Then it became something much more. Spending almost every night with you, making dinner together, to making your lunch for work, to introducing me to your son. Going out in public, eating out, going to our favorite bars, to events, to your friend’s family functions, and making Thanksgiving dinner together for your Step dad and son. Meeting my family and friends, to wrapping up gifts for your son on Christmas Eve and spending Christmas Day with me and my family. You told me you didn’t like labels so I went with the flow. We even switched cars since yours was a gas guzzler and I worked closer to home. Then one day, you needed a place to live and I offered for you to live with me. We lived like we were in a relationship, sharing our finances, me helping you taking care of your son when you were at work, still had time to go out and hang out with our friends, go out to dinner, and go to our favorite bars. Until my life changed, I lost my job, lost myself, started stressing out because I couldn’t provide for myself and help out with bills. With all that, my family was disappointed in me because of my poor decisions and irresponsibility. You continued to drive my car to work on a daily basis until it broke down and I didn’t have money to get it fixed. You were due to move out of the house before we had to move out and I even helped you find a room to rent.

The entire time, you labeled me as your “friend” to everyone you spoke to about me. I would feel so hurt whenever we were out in public and you would tell people that we were just friends. I have a lot of friends and I didn’t share my life the way I did with you. That part I didn’t understand.

Then you moved out of the house. We remained the same. Still going out, being intimate, you telling me you loved me and that you were just lying to yourself about how you truly felt. Until I had to make a decision to stay in California or move to another state to better myself. Then you dropped a bomb on me. You didn’t ask me to stay with you. You didn’t fight or even help me after everything I have done for you and your son. You didn’t give me a chance to better myself there. You let me go knowing that I was going to be living on the other side of the country and be away from my family. You told me that you couldn’t do that because you couldn’t even take care of yourself and barely taking care of your son. And I understood that. I’m not selfish never was and never will be especially when it comes to loving you. With all that being said, I left and moved to NJ. Got a job and is starting over again. You told me that you love me but not in a relationship type of way. You said you weren’t ready, but what were we doing? I guess that was all a lie and an illusion.

But why am I still in love with you? Knowing deep down inside that you took my kindness for weakness because you know how I feel about you. You said to me “No one told you to do those things for me” Well, I did those things because I love you and I care about you. I’m assuming that you never had anyone love you and treat you the way I did. You gladly accepted all those things I did for you. I keep asking myself why I became a martyr for you. I can’t answer that. Every day I try to wake up with a smile on my face. It’s hard loving someone who doesn’t feel the same.

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