I would take you back

I would take you back

I would take you back

LTME-postDaaniel,

It hurts so much. I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt me anymore. I still love you so much, and I really hate that I still do. I’ve heard somewhere that one of the most painful things one has to go through is being in love with someone who used to love them, and I never truly believed it, until now. It tears me apart to know that I still love you with every fiber of my being, and the love that you had for me is long gone in your heart.

I have to admit, I’m really jealous of her, if you know who I’m talking about. Even when you two are just really good friends, and she already is in a committed relationship, I still can’t help but feel a pang in my chest whenever I see you and her laughing and chatting and dancing together at dance practices or late night dinners. It just hurts more than I thought it would, and truth to be told, I don’t think I can really handle this much pain. This is an enormous amount of emotional pain that I’m going through, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever had this much weighed on me before. I truly want to be friends with everyone on the team, even her, but her hostility towards me only adds more to the pain. I don’t expect you to understand what I’m going through right now. I pray that you actually don’t have to understand it, since the only way to fully comprehend this pain is to go through the whole thing, and that is the last thing I want to happen to you.

The days we had, even though they were short, but my dearest, the length of time doesn’t matter here at all. Every single moment we had together is a beautiful memory that I treasure very much, and I can only hope that by the end of the day, they do mean something for you. I pray that years from now, when our lives completely drift apart and no longer collide, you will still remember who I am and the part I’ve played in your life. It surely was short, I agree, but nobody can invalidate its value when it was still alive.

In all honesty, I would take you back any second; all you need to do is ask. But I know, you already said that you couldn’t, and I really don’t want to put you in a tough spot or get pity out of you. I know that it would cause suffering for the both of us, and as much as I hate to go through it, I’d rather be the only one who suffers. You told me that I shouldn’t put you as the first priority person in my life, but goddamnit you ARE paramount important to me, and I would honestly do whatever I can to protect you from any harm I know of, physically and emotionally. I’m no stranger to suffering. Let me be the only one who suffers, since I’m cursed to be unlovable and blessed with endurance for excrutiating pain (whether I like it or not) anyway.

In the future, I know that I will end up with someone, who is not you. I will grow to care about that person, but to be brutally honest, I don’t think I can love them the way that I love you. I doubt that I will truly harbor any of the loving feelings I have for you towards them, and that the “love” I can give them is merely out of the duty of a spouse. I just hate that I know for sure that whenever I do the deed with my future spouse, I will have to hold my tongue from calling out your name instead of theirs, and my eyes will be closed the whole time, because I will imagine that it’s you, not them, that I’m sharing the intimacy with. It’s not fair for that person, I know. But at least I will stay with them and fulfill my duty, and they can rest assured that I won’t go away. It’s gonna hurt me so much, I’m certain, but if I won’t be able to be with the person I truly love anyway, then why should it matter anymore? I’ll just play the role of the loyal spouse to the person, and if they can truly care about me the way you used to, then great. They don’t need to know that I can’t give them my heart, since you already have it, though.

And I hope that you will go on living your life happily to the fullest. I still want to know that you will still be smiling, even when I’m no longer the reason behind that beautiful, radiant smile of yours. I truly pray that your life onward will only be full of bliss and happiness, and that you won’t have to taste pain anymore.

I still love you so much, more than you can imagine, but I don’t expect you to see it or understand, let alone reciprocate once more. It hurts so much, more than I can handle, but I hope that I can slowly make my way out alive, step by step. One day, when I have children of my own, I will definitely tell them about you, how much I love you, and how much I wish that you were their father instead of the person I’ll be with at that time. I will teach them that love really is a powerful thing, and even when it can hurt more than the torture from hell, they should choose to love always.

In this life, I guess we’re not meant to be together. I can only hope that maybe in another life, we will meet again, and this time, neither you or I will fall out of love, and we will share that future together that I’ve always wished for.

Forget me not.

Remember that I love you.

Forever.

-Antoinette

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