Randy, I want to say I am sorry for how I went about today but I am not sorry for my feelings you hurt me really bad because I believed in you again and it felt like old times. I think it was actually better I have never felt that connected to you. But now I know we shouldn’t have done that because my heart was back in there and yesterday I felt like my heart was ripped out again. I know you blame all of our problems on me and I cant change that but I was going thru my own hell too. I guess the last few weeks gave me hope but it was false hope and I feel like a fool for believing otherwise. I know I need to let go and I need to quit leaning on you for support. I just hate telling anyone my feelings because everyone has an opinion and I feel like I have to go thru the motions myself. Yes I know I say things I shouldn’t and I regret after but its so much easier to be angry that sad. I almost want to be mad at you it seems like I could get past it easier. The unfortunate part is I don’t want to be angry with you and I DON’T HATE YOU. If I did I wouldn’t care about yesterday or another day or where you are or what you are doing… But I do and you are always on my mind. You said some awful things today to me and I hope you didn’t mean them and maybe you do. I do know I will always love you and will always regret what happened to us because we were great at one time. I have told you before it seems easier for you and I saw the other night how you are struggling with not going on and so maybe without me it will be easier for you. I do wish you happiness and I hope I can find it one day too. Being with you and laying naked and just talking was amazing but at the same time it makes it so much harder to except what has happened. Today you said you had let go of all what I had done to you but you really haven’t because it comes back up quite often and I know that’s a process for you as well. I wish I could take the pain from both of us and make things right again but that is out of my hands. You don’t want me anymore and there is so much that has taken place since December 1st that I don’t think we will ever be ok even as friends. We are both to passionate about each other to just be friends. I of course would love nothing more than to be friends but we have proven we can’t do that there are too many raw emotions. I would like closure with you and all that means is I would like some questions answered without arguing or fighting. I get really mad at the fact that most of our arguments revolve around Ashley and I know this from reading my journals and that started in August 2017. I would just like you to reflect on that I don’t need an answer. I know she is your daughter and maybe I shouldn’t say this but majority of anyone that meets her cant stand her after a few meetings and that is just the way it is but she will have to deal with that its her problem. I am glad your kids are in your life but at one time the kids were just that the kids and you didn’t believe they had a right to be in our business but that all changed and that is a HUGE resentment I have that you let them know all our personal business. I know you don’t care but reading the things that were written in that farm book sent me into a very dark place. It was none of Ashley’s business but you let her intervene. I not once said one ill word about you to Lane because I didn’t feel it was beneficial to him or me. I know you hate him and thing he is a piece of shit but he is my piece of shit and everyone that he is ever around always tells me how polite of a young man he is and that makes me proud. He may battle with addiction for the rest of his life I don’t know but I want to be apart of his life and you never wanted that and that’s fine you don’t have to any longer. I will say this and I will close I never understood how you could kick me when I was down and never had a second thought about it. I feel you enjoyed watching me hurt and that part makes me believe the stuff you told me wasn’t true because even when someone is mean to you if you love them you wouldn’t want harm on them. I have said some hateful things to you I admit and I am sorry I don’t want to be that way I really don’t but I never wished you dead. I was hyperventilating and that rolled out of your mouth with no empathy at all. That is the Randy I will never understand. You can be the most caring person but you can turn in a second and that scares me. I do hope we can find a happy medium in our lives when it comes to us. I know it will hurt like hell when I hear you have a girlfriend and I know you probably think I deserve that pain as well and maybe you are right. I do hope one day you remember the overall picture of me and how I did love you and adore you and I worked my butt off trying to make us a nice place to live and call home. I always took pride in that which I felt I was always made fun of for doing that but it was important to me. Randy I truly want happiness for you and wish you the best and I know you will do great. All your dreams will come true especially without me you will have lots of money to do as you please. Remember one thing please, I never wanted our lives to end this way I never set out to do the things I did. I am in a tremendous amount of pain and scared to death with my neck and don’t know what the outcome will be but I am trying my hardest to get out of your way just didn’t expect this part. So sorry if I haven’t been doing what I say I am I hurt really bad. I know its a horrible flaw I have and I do wish to change that too. Maybe one day I will overcome all my faults you point out. Please give me some closure by talking to me one last time so I can hopefully move on and not be a burden for you any longer. I will also try my hardest not to lean on you for support I realize I shouldn’t its just hard so if I overstep my boundaries please tell me. I pray we can no longer throw mean and hateful things at one another it does neither of us any good. I hope you accept my apology.