I am sorry for the way a reacted in response to the mean and hurtful things you said to me on our drive home that night. I just wanted to know that I will always love you no matter what happens because I remember God speaking to you and me about how we were supposed to be together. He reaffirmed it the night you broke down in tears when I asked how do you know your supposed to be with me and you said because God told me, I had prayed for our relationship prior to you saying that asking him to give me a sign that he told you to be with me and he spoke to me through you that night.
Last night I drove to the grocery and bought a box of Annie’s, came home and made myself dinner, and thought of you. It’s something I’ve been doing a lot since Thursday— I wish I could stop but I can’t. I read through our text messages starting at the very beginning, from Keaton Henson, to the Halloween Party (still can’t believe you took care of me all night). As I read through them, all of the things I felt in the beginning came flooding back and I knew that I couldn’t let this go without trying. You told me that time isn’t always relevant, and although it was barely a month, what you and I shared was magic. I know things are over now, and it pains me to think that something so special has faded. But despite the past few weeks and all that has happened, my feelings remain. This is a letter containing all of the things I want you to know and should have had the guts to express to you earlier.
Can you honestly look at me and not feel anything? No pain, no regret, no nostalgi – nothing? Because I can’t. You know that feeling when you think there’s another step at the end of the stairs but there’s not so instead you experience that tiny heart attack when your feet reach the ground? That’s how I feel when I look at you. Or when I hear your voice, your laugh. Your beautiful, beautiful smile which spreads across your entire face and reveals that otherwise hidden vain in your forehead. It breaks me and I try so hard not to forget the last time I was the reason for that smile.
You’ve always been the one to open up and tell me how you feel. So for once, it’s my turn.
There’s was a lot going on with my habits. Growing up with controlling parents and not really having a voice for my own, I had to yell and make horrible remarks and statements. What didn’t help is that it led me to be depress, angry, and insecure about myself. As our relationship pulled forward, these only caused so much trouble. The amount of stress and reliance I received was cast on you through me. This me caused the downfall of the relationship. Although I will probably never have any opportunity to reach out to you, I am sorry for letting you go through so much. Just know, I have learned my mistakes and abuses. I just didn’t know I could be a verbal bully. I wish you well and that you are happy. Again, I am sorry.
I know I’ve done a lot of hurtful things to you and your family. Things that you may never forgive me on. I accept that. When I started losing control I tried harder to try and keep it under control. I was wrong. I knew what I was doing wrong, yet continued to do it anyway. I was a jealous bully. I am truly sorry!
The things we do, we do not realize how it affects others until we step back. I finally did see a counselor and starting to get my life together again.
I hope you have found new happiness and that life is treating you well!
I debated about whether to send this message to you or not for a couple of reasons. The first one being this is so out of nowhere that I didn’t really think you would care or find it relevant. The second one being that every time we talk I come away feeling worse than before and the truth is writing this did me a lot of good.
When I first met you, you appeared to be a total douche and I did not like you at all, but over time we became friends due to our mutual fears and problems at the moment. Both of us needed to get over someone. You over your best friend and I over my first “love”.
I still remember the first time we talked about sex and how you’d like to have a friends with benefits, but just couldn’t find one who was suitable and would do it. Then you asked me how I thought about that and I did not know what to say honestly. I did not want anything to happen without love, but when we started hanging out I felt the connection that was as strong as gravity. I could not stand the thought of not touching you. And when I slept over at your house for the first time and you came into my bed and started cuddling, it was the happiest moment in a long time. When you kissed my forehead I felt more secure than ever before. And you know that I never felt completely secure with anyone before.
I get it now. It’s weird seeing this on here when I wish I could tell you in person. Obviously I still agree that your timing was not the best but I also understand it was something that you had kept bottled up for obviously some amount of time. You gave me my first true love, so I must at least thank you for that. I know I acted irritably and immaturely after the break up, I didn’t know how to deal with it.
I know you want nothing to do with me. I know you have moved on, and will continue to lead your life the way you have before – to meet the expectations of those that depend on you and to meet your own. I suspect that whatever love, affection, and friendship that you once adorned for me now consists of hate, spite, and anomisity – undestandably so, since without closure these provide the best and fastest way for you to move on. And initially, it worked for me too.
But I can’t keep dragging myself on the floor like this. Every day, these burdens of unsaid thoughts gain more and more leverage than times past, and conflict with whatever notion I created to convince myself that with time, I will get over you.
Today is your birthday. And more so than anything else I wish you the happiest birthday I can. To be clear, this will be my last attempt. Not to shame, blame or try to guilt you in any way. But really a last resort because there is still so much I want to say to you. And if you never read this I’ll understand.
I could fill your voice-mail, send endless messages and letters continuing to try to apologize for how things ended but I know it won’t do any good. I don’t want to try to “win” you back or beg you for forgiveness. Too much has happened for an “I’m Sorry” to change how you feel now. But the truth is that at the moment I don’t know how to stop being sorry for all of this. I realize how poorly I handled things and I know there’s no way to take it back now.
We used to talk literally everyday
I remember when I used to make you smile
Shit went downhill so fast.
I wasn’t the best me, I admit it.
You deserved so much better
Now we don’t even make eye contact
Chances are you’ll never hear me say this in person because it just seems too awkward, but I’m writing this letter to sincerely to apologize for my actions while we were dating. I know the timing is odd but I assure you that I am not looking to rekindle the past here, but rather just let you know about the things I wish I’d said when I had the chance.
I think that i just need someone in my life. Our meeting was very speacial for me at first. The way we met and how we met was a good thing. I feel like dying without you, i need you, you’re like my air. I felt like i messed up our thing and i feel so sad. Im dying without you in this empty space and i know you will say that i have a problem. Yes i do, i have a big problem, maybe later i will say : whatever… but not now… I need to go out and met other guys but im tired of having you in my mind. :(
Ça me fais vraiment chier de faire comme si que c’étais rien quand au contraire, c’est quelque chose de dur pour moi. Je ne m’en fou pas. Trop pas, si je m’en foutais, je ne serais pas là à faire toutes ces trucs-la.
Hi, you were really charming but i don’t know if im attached to the wrong guy. Your charm was hiding all the bad consequences i think. I really enjoyed the time i spend with you in your house, with your frinds. It felt new to me and nice.
Yes now, i’m alone. I’m really alone, not just a little bit. I’m also jealous that you hang out with cool people that i wish i could have hang out with too. Anyways, im jealous and i don’t feel young and fresh anymore. I need you sometimes and sometimes i just need a guy to hug me but my brain and head always goes to you. Im stuck on you and that’s my biggest problem.
I dunno how many times I say sorry to you. Like, yeah, I know, I fuck up everything.
I’m sorry I left Korea. You never loved or cared about me and you were being creepy with a bunch of weird secret porn and girlfriends that you were constantly complimenting and flirting with on Facebook (EVEN when I was LITERALLY naked in YOUR bed at the time), but yeah, I shouldn’t have left.
I’m sorry I didn’t quit the best job of my life in the middle of the contract just because you decided to ask me to come back and put myself in the same non-loving, ambivalent situation in Korea again.