I know I screwed up last time I saw you. I guess I wasn’t ready, emotionally. I really hope that wasn’t the last time we’ll see each other. You mean too much to me. I miss you. I wish the way you smell, the way you laugh, the way you make me laugh. I miss the way we fit together so well. I miss cuddling with you. I miss that the most. I miss being part of the adventure of your new life. I enjoyed being part of that journey, and I’m saddened that I may never get to see how it turns out. I still have hope for us. I still think we belong. I still think we’re meant to be. I still love you.
Seriously a year and a half full of roller coasters. You were my best friend, my lover, partner in crime. I instantly knew we would be together the moment we had our first conversation. You gave me a different feeling, not like most boys were I have to think of smart and funny things to say, be witty and cute and basically force it. It came so naturally. I never felt more comfortable with anyone. I feel that maybe our love was so quick and passionate, we burned right threw it.
I miss you so much. I wish I’d known when I met you 4 years ago, the things I know today. Maybe we wouldn’t have hurt each other so badly. I’m trying to forgive you. And one day. I really hope you forgive me too. I will always love you. This hurts so badly. I wish I could tell you. Hear your voice. Pretend like I don’t feel angry or resentful. Pretend I’m okay. In a perfect world, you’d pretend too. And we would be two of the happiness individuals on earth.
I was so angry at you for leaving, I was so mad that you did what you did the way you did. But I can see now how hard it must have been to follow your heart in the circumstances you found yourself in. Upon reflection of the many times you mentioned and spoke to your dear friend, I can see you were in love even then. It is true you can not help who you fall or do not fall in love with. I understand now the pressures and expectations upon you were great.
I’m sorry I was such bitch. I chose my career over us. My entire life I thought that if I made a mistake, slowed down, or veered of course, I’d end up where I shouldn’t be. When I was young my goal was get the best grades and go the best college. When I left college my goal was to become a marketing manager in a top level firm. When I met you, I knew you would be a mistake. That you could never be more than a fun time. You with your tattoos and Mohawk, and mechanic jobs with dreams of being a pro surfer could never be a part of my future plans.
I’m so sorry for my behaviour recently and I know you had no other choice but to walk out of my life and tell me its finally over. I still love you deeply and believe you love me. I have been under so much stress in the past few months and this has resulted in me lashing out at the closest person to me – you. I’m not the girl you met 1 year ago, my situation has changed me and I need time to get stronger and able to cope.
(in no particular order…)
Congratulations, and deepest condolences. Congratulations because, to this date, you’re the only girl I’ve dated who managed to break up face-to-face (LDRs n/a) without some kind of bullshit attached to it. We won’t detract points for still being in school at the time. Condolences because your spot on the ‘unforgettable’ throne has been usurped. Yeah, I know, right? Who the hell dethrones a ‘first’?
Dear S.C I take comfort knowing my feelings are out the wild and no longer bottled inside. It’s been years since I last saw your face or heard your voice yet… it still hurts. It began like a fairy tale I had never known love and didn’t feel I was worthy of ever being in love.
We were young and I was a fool I was blinded be sheer devotion for you my heart felt alive in your presence and I messed it all up :( I never gave you space I wanted to be all you cared about and all you wanted. I was selfish I let you down and made your life a misery even as I write this my emotions are mixed I have a tear in my eye thinking about the pain but a smile on my face thinking about how much the little time I spent with you made my life worth living.
I don’t even know what happened..
You went on spring break.. You were talking to your ex. She wants you back and she misses you. You miss her too. You said that she was there for you through everything, but wasn’t I? Wasn’t I there at midnight talking you out of things. Making you feel important in life.
You told me that I made you feel confident. Was that just a lie?
Was everything you told me real?
Our song, was it really yours and hers?
The keeper to my heart,
It doesn’t feel real yet, not even a little. I cannot believe it’s over. I have always held onto the idea that things would be the way they used to be but now I know they no longer can.
So, this is why I’m writing you a letter. I hope you find this, I hope you read it and write me back because without you in my life, I’m truthfully lost and I have mild happiness.
I have been wanting to let you know how sorry I am for a really long time now I just didn’t know how I could tell you.
It has been almost 2 years and whoever said it gets easier lied…It has not gotten easier at all, I know most of the time it didn’t seem like the breakup bothered me or it didn’t seem like I missed you but I have missed you soo much…I have thought about you every day for the last almost 2 years I have tried everything to forget about you but once a song comes on the radio your back in my head, when I drive by I think of how much I miss our life at home, I miss little things like helping you farm and getting parts or running errands with you.
It’s been 1year and 3 months since you disappeared from my life to start with a new girl. People break up all the time and yet for me that possibility didn’t exist within the logic of our relationship. It was so hard. I couldn’t get out of bed and I was plagued with suicidal thoughts. Although most days were unbearable, I somehow progressed. I learned how slow healing can be. The cyclical nature: three steps forward, two steps back became unbearable. Of course my friends and family grew tired of my depression and had nothing else to say. I hated myself for being unable to just get over it. Occasionally I would peek at your social media sites and see a new picture with your girlfriend. The woman worth leaving me. With time I realized how you were tired of me so many months before but didn’t have the courage to break it off. I excused the obvious signs saying you were stressed, desperately clinging to something that was dead. Half the battle has been trying to forgive myself for my blind and humiliating behavior.