For the words to be sufficient is required a death in the heart…

For the words to be sufficient is required a death in the heart…

For the words to be sufficient is required a death in the heart…

Today I write to you, as I always do, from that place of my heart where lies the light and everything that is true. Today, I come to leave you my head and my heart wrapped up in words … today I come to tell you how I feel, even though I lose myself in the attempt, because there is something in you that moves my universe. I still remember when I met you; I think there were many months before I knew you existed, and suddenly, without knowing how or when, you came to me in that soft and sweet way of yours, without me intending to nor realizing it.

And in the same way, without realizing it, unconsciously, I gave you my heart. It’s a shame that this has not been enough to make from you and I a We, sometimes I wish I could turn back time and not have realized that you were there, so close to me, it’s a shame that my heart has not been enough… How would I imagine all the darkness in the soul, the bitter tears and all the pain that was going to cost me to get my own heart and my own peace back. Many days had passed since I said you goodbye, and soon they’ll become years… and I’m discovering that I loved so much … so much that I know the garden’s flowers will tell you how much I loved you and how much I dreamed of your light.

You were always more than I expected, sweeter, more gentle, more beautiful, more chivalrous, funnier, smarter, stronger, more special, more masculine, just more than I could imagine … Before I met you I never thought the dreams could be touched… you were for me almost too good to be true… and I was fighting with this feeling inside me of not being good enough for you …

In order to find you I had to pawn in other arms my hugs, In order to find you while running fast I left pieces of my skin along the way and I learned to fly among many abysses, in order to find you and do not believe that you were another repeated failure, I re-invented the faith I had lost … to be happy, just to find you…

I wished you could see beyond my eyes and through my smile. I hoped you could see what’s in my heart, I wish You Could Read My thoughts and my heart … but you cannot, and neither do I.

How could I have told you that I missed you, if I never felt you closer to me?, How could I have told you I love you without the fear of not knowing who you are?, How could I have wished to share my life with you if every time I felt you so far away from me?, how could I know that you loved me?, there are so many unanswered questions that you inspire me, and yet I think you stood by my side without questions and I think I didn’t know how to love you without answers… Honestly I wonder if you guys do not realize when you break our heart.

That day in the park your words broke my heart. That day I felt you left abandoned the illusion that was in my heart for you. What could I have done? Nothing but respect your decision and try to escape quickly and try not to dwell on your embrace that lit my heart … You didn’t understand when I said that we will be just acquaintances … very deep inside of me I know that when love dies is better to give farewell, I preferred to leave and get out of your life, I will not beg, I will not implore you please feel for me what I feel for you. When love dies is better laying off the good memories, the beautiful details … at that moment I knew it was best to get away from you. What a shame things did not go well, that you do not love me as I would like, that you do not feel what I feel … what a shame.

When we met again and you tell me you were seeing someone, something big happened inside me. Mixed feelings: believe it or not I was happy for you, but It also completely shattered my heart I felt a deep, sharp pain. And I know that I had no right to feel this way, but who can rule in the heart? I remained very confused, hurt, you were starting a new life, following your dreams … just very far away from me.

I will always feel envious of the men ability to forget easily, leaving us without looking back and without much thought, that ability to move forward … is a skill that I wish I had! As if we had not been important in your lives, while we stay trapped with you and so many things in our heart …

I don’t know how many times I tried to say goodbye to you, I don’t know if you understood that I was saying goodbye in each one of those times…. That day in the park, the message from the airport, the e-mail that I wrote to you for your birthday and I wanted so hard to be the last, but It takes so little (even though you don’t realize it) to keep me hanging on your hands, a smile, a message, a simple sentence in an e-mail … your mails, I want to take this opportunity to say I loved every one of those words, with every fiber of my heart I loved them, but at some point I felt sad because I felt I was somehow forcing you to do something that wasn’t natural for you and instead is completely natural and easy for me, I feel the same with the mobile, I can hardly call …

The last time we spoke you said goodbye, this is my way to do the same … I was so mad at you, I think it was a very long long time I felt so honestly angry and upset that my mind went blank. And, darling, every time I invited you to a party, it was something important, “personal” for me, it was not just a time to spend with a weird music you don’t understand, among people who don’t know … just for you to know, each one of these times was an open invitation to be part of my life, an invitation for you to getting to know me better, an open invitation for you to understand where it comes the joy, the vibration, for you to share some of my culture, the things I love and I feel passion for, an open invitation for you to know something, a different side of me, a happy outlook, an invitation to share something that makes me happy. But what nonsense of mine, what foolishness so largest of mine, what a craziest occurrence of mine to want to give you my joy, to want to paint of fiesta your soul…

Look how things are, I wanted so badly to show you all the good and happy that exists inside of me, and instead you had to become acquainted to the Mrs Hyde’s living within me … I had to hear those words that were like a slap to my soul, that you were busy, busy, busy …. It took me a lot to understand that you don’t have any room in your life for me, and I know I deserve better than someone’s crumbs of time … I deserve better.

After a while I realized that I was not really mad at you, I realized I was completely furious with myself, for wanting, longing for you to be part of my life when you never gave signs of wanting to. I forgot you cannot lose what was never yours and you cannot hold on to someone who does not want to stay.

I know I questioned you about the kind of friend you were to me, and don’t think I didn’t do first to myself that question. How to be your friend? How? If you have no idea the superhuman effort it costs me not to touch you, not to hug you and not want to stay lost forever in your arms and you don’t understand that I love you because you do not understand the language of my hands…. You don’t understand that I hug you and let you go quickly to not want to stay by your side forever, because I know I do not belong to your life any more ….

There are many things that my heart can endure, but lying is not one of them. Brett I am so sorry but I cannot be your friend. I know it hurts, but I prefer to lose you rather than mislead you: I cannot be your friend, I know it hurts and I cannot forget that you were in my life, not wanting to stay, I can’t pretend I’m your friend when I have all this feelings, When I have to make use of all my self-control to not touch you, to not wanting to kiss you, to not wanting to hold you when you’re around…. I wanted to be in your life something more than an instant, something more than a shadow and something else than a desire, I wanted to be in yourself an indelible mark, a constant reminder and one truth; an infinite thirst for caresses and kisses. I wanted to be in your life a sentence of absence and eternal friendship. Something more than someone who comes, passes and goes away. I wanted to be the tears in your eyes and the laughter on your lips … And I wanted to be the dream of your heart, the tempest, the magic and the charm of your life, I know it, and I think that deep inside you knew it as well, I wanted to be the kiss of your inspiration, your fantasy, your laughter and your tears but something happened and suddenly the story changed

When you offered me your friendship I trusted you, I trusted in your words, despite my own feelings I trusted you and I trusted that when times would get though you would be there for me, but maybe you didn’t because I don’t know how to ask for help…. you were the only person I called in my darkness and at the end, the only person that stand by me is the one that looks at me in the mirror every morning….. This has been so sad that I do not want to sing, I have no desire to sing more…. Now, I just want the time passes quickly, that the time gets me out of this painful moment and in that way if I ever see you again I won’t not feel love or suffering.

Now, I want to keep you on the boulevard of my broken dreams, inside the trunk of the things that couldn’t be, that were not meant to be. This is the first time I would like to forget all the good memories, although we spent little time together you were important to me and I am left with many memories, sometimes I find myself smiling with things that happened a long time ago … I remember many kisses that remained pending, three or more songs that remind me of you, a word that brightened you, a story that made me laugh, our initials on a door and a kiss that touched my soul … when you caressed me with your lips and kissed me so slowly that you lit me from the soul to the feet … and yet I want to remember you as the warm summer breeze on a cold spring day, as the gentle breeze that caresses you and brings the promise of something better that is to come… just in that way I want to remember you.

I had often wondered what I expect from you. And the answer to that question has gone through many stages. At first I expected all of you, after, only a few things as proximity and communication, but eventually I realized that I no longer expect anything from you, and the sad thing here is that I still have not learned how to love without expectations, and I feel that when I do not expect the best of someone is because I’ve that started not care of that someone… I can choose to go back to cry or embrace the rain and let it wet me, I can defeat myself with yesterday and do not want to keep or to let the wind lift me to where I should be, if I trip over with yesterday or laugh straight away at the dawn, it is written on me, in the steps I walk, in the same voice that I share with the sea, now I know that I am of the present just one more passenger and that the past is the past and all was left behind…

I’m thinking it makes no sense to meet you again, I’m thinking that I give up, that it’s all over but I did not understand and I ask God to alleviate me the pain, of so much illusion that grew up with a dream that today still lives with me, it hurts understand that I have no motives nor reasons to be with you. And I ask God to fill me up with strength, with pure greatness, with abilities and gift, with courage and skillfulness, to understand that it makes no sense to meet you again…

One of these days I will feel that I don’t think so as much of you, the memories will dim, I’ll get rid your footprints in my body. The time will pass and I’ll see that you were not for me. The two of us will do our mourning, we’ll know the maths and we’ll know that the time have passed and there will be nothing to say…

I believe in the magic, in the energy as a source of everything, I believe in the forgiveness and forgetting, in the word coherence, I believe in combustible love. I believe in the soul and in the people who say what they think, I believe in the trial and error and most of all believe in the power of the word. I do not like promises, I do not believe in them. So today, I give you my word, I will never again go back to look for you, I will never again bother you or introduce myself in any way in your life.

You always wore silence … now it’s my turn and I choose to wear oblivion. Even though it is not easy to find oblivion when your hearth was already given. Goodbye forever sweet ganso.

1 Comment

  1. Antonio 2 months ago

    Beautiful!!

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