To my big bear.

To my big bear.

To my big bear.

It’s almost 4:30 am. And just about a month and a half since we’ve been broken up. I haven’t been able to sleep yet. :/ I keep thinking of you Laying alone and sleeping peacefully. I’m still having a hard time adjusting to life without you in it the way I would like to. I miss laying next to you in OUR bed. I just, miss it all.

I feel like I’m never going to get over this because of the lack of closure you’ve given me. You admitted you threw away a perfect relationship because you suddenly decide you don’t want anything serious. After you basically forced me to move in with you. You got me to open up and be vulnerable for the first time in my life and you abandon me out of the blue. I feel like I’m going to have trust issues and abandonment issues for a long time.

I’ve been on one date since we ended. As soon as he reached towards my face I stiffened and just said “no”. I couldn’t even make eye contact. I’m not over you. I want to be. Logically I should be. Your lack of respect for me is crystal clear and the fact that you set up traps for me and torture me because you know exactly how to get what you want out of me. I’m so sick of these constant battles between my head and my heart. I don’t want to love you and I don’t want to care. I wish I could just make this all stop.

You weren’t my world… But you made my world feel complete. My heart has felt so heavy all night, no provocation needed. The only thing I’m grateful for right now is that you are adjusting and having an easier time with this than I am. Cos your happiness is all that ever mattered to me.


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