Dear 91,
I’ve done this once before, but I’ve a different motive for apologizing this time around. For what I was previously oblivious to. Understanding narcissism better, I better understand my actions to a trained eye. Don’t jump to conclusions regarding my moniker. It’s a character, a kickboxer.
I’ve a soft spot for it, I guess.
It was never my intention to behave as I did, though what I’ve learned gives me a lot to reflect on and look over.
I’ve little doubt you’re doing well, and will continue to do well, with my absence in your life. I’ve no intention of dredging up past promises. I miss you, but I have to be equally considerate of you. I will always care for you, and perhaps the best way I can show that is to stay far away from you. Perhaps from anyone.
I’ve been questioning whether I can have a healthy relationship with someone. If I’m healthy enough mentally. As things stand now I have my doubts. I refuse to ruin someone because I’m lonesome. If I can’t do it right, I won’t do it all.
I may understand things better, but that doesn’t make me myself better. Can I justify my fleeting happiness if it results in the wreckage we became? The wreckage of others prior? I can’t, in good conscience, keep doing this if I know there is something broken in me that causes it.
A good heart betrayed by flawed mental circuitry. I wish you all the best, and, again, thank you for saving my life. You’ve woken me up to many things, of which I am grateful.
Regards,
84
There’s something I’m confused about, though, and I see this in a lot of letters. What, exactly, do you mean by “fight for me”? Do you mean something along the lines of “No, don’t leave. You can’t leave! I love you!” If so, may I state my case, then you can tell me where I’m wrong?
#1.) You probably heard me say something like “I’d rather you not leave, but if that’s what you really want, I won’t stop you”. This was not from a lack of caring about you. If anything, it was born FROM care for you. The idea was for it not to turn into a giant, yellIng, screaming, door slamming, getting the cops called on us because we’re causing such a ruckus type of thing. The idea was for you to do what you wanted with as little drama involved as possible.
#2.) It was born from thinking of you as my partner, not my property. I never once thought I “owned” you, even though we called each other “mine”. You were always a very unique, independent person, and I never wanted to infringe upon your sense of independence. I can see it being a mistake now, but I didn’t offer solutions to problems I’d bring up, because I didn’t want you to feel boxed in to a solution you weren’t comfortable with.
#3.) I can’t think of a way to “fight for you” that wouldn’t make me into some kind of feckless blaggard. Everything I did was about giving you a choice, giving you equal say in things. If you wanted me to go all caveman, club you over the head, and be like “No, bitch, you’re coming with me, end of story” then it’s good you left, because you were never going to get that from me.
That’s why I showed you that song. It wasn’t saying I didn’t love you. The lyrics were “Want to make your love for me pure? Make it a choice.”
I don’t know. What did I do wrong?