Thinking about everything makes my heart hurt

Thinking about everything makes my heart hurt

Thinking about everything makes my heart hurt

LTME postDear ex-future husband,

I know that there is a lot that I can’t actually say to you. There are many reasons for this; I either can’t get it out over text, it comes off wrong over text and then you get angry, or I actually cannot say what it is I want to say to you. Either way, thinking about everything makes my heart hurt. You say that you still love me but that you don’t know what you want; that you don’t know if you wan to work on yourself first or on yourself and us…and admittedly we have our problems. In my opinion, they are what led to our separation. I’ve given you space for the past week and I’m giving you space this week as well; you said you’d think about it and I hope you really are.

I love you. I love you more than words can describe.

When I said that I was deeply in love with you I wasn’t kidding. I fell head over heels in love with you and I saw a future for us; I know that if you were willing to admit it you would admit the same thing. When we spoke you said that you still love me and that the feelings haven’t gone anywhere but you weren’t sure what you wanted. You said that seeing me would be really tough because all of those feelings would come flooding back.

That conversation gave me hope.

That hope came crashing down around me when you said you thought we were talking about working on you first. Your words and your actions didn’t match. It sent me into a dark place again.

The past week I’ve done well not thinking about you. Yet, yesterday I started thinking about you again and all of those emotions came flooding back. I realized that I am still hopelessly heartbroken over the fact that things aren’t the way they should be. You said yourself if we’re meant to be together it will happen and you even pointed out your step-mom and dad…but they were apart 5 years. I don’t know if I wait around that long for you.

There is so much that I want to tell you—how I really feel, my hopes and dreams, and how utterly crushed I was when things ended between us; how I felt when you told me you had a friend with benefits…just how I feel about everything. But I won’t because I can’t bring myself to let you know how hurt I really am.

Do I deserve better? I keep hearing this. But do I want someone else? No.

I hope that you’ve thought about everything and that you make the decision I really want you to make and that we can work on us. I really want there to be us. I don’t know if I can handle the further heartbreak that will happen if you pick yourself.

1 Comment

  1. Prince Doza 3 years ago

    It sounds like I could have written this. It’s an interesting mirror, in a surreal kind of way.

    I hope you gain the peace you seek.

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