I Don’t Know Where to Go

I Don’t Know Where to Go

I Don’t Know Where to Go

LTME postMarissa,

It’s only been a month. I’ve been in therapy for my bi-polar like you and I wanted to. I think I’m getting better, but I don’t feel like I have any goal for this now that you are gone. I always looked forward to the day we would come back together as a better couple when I had finally taken care of the mental illness I have neglected for so long. Now that our engagement is shattered, I don’t know why I’m even breathing right now.

When I attempted my second suicide, everything I felt was driven at myself. I internalized anything angry, depressed, or stressed onto myself, and I did all of that to give you the happiest, most fulfilling, life possible. Your happiness and well being were always at the forefront of my thoughts. I now know this caused me to neglect my own emotional well being, but I did it because I love you so fucking much. You made the depression seem more bearable, and when you were around I felt like we could tackle the world together.

In all of my therapy, I know I need to get better in order to be a more healthy partner for you. This is hard for me to do as a person, but I was trying so hard for US. But then you left me. And you didn’t even let me show you how hard I would work for us.

I can’t stop thinking about you. The five years we spent together were the best years of my life, and I was always looking towards the next 50 years we would spend together as a married couple. When work, friends, family, or life would get me down you took me back to better place, and I was always looking forward to the day I would call you my wife. The future we planned together was the paradise I longed for even when nothing seemed right.

I still can’t understand why you would go from loving, supporting fiance to breaking up with me over my suicide attempt and bipolar diagnosis (which I told you about in our first month together). All of my dreams are just us talking, and that is what I miss most about our relationship. Talking together. When you broke off our engagement we hardly talked at all, and I was left crying and trying to defend the love we shared for each other.

I don’t feel any closure after you cut me out so suddenly, and all I want is out life back (together). I’m always going to think about you on November the 7th and I still listen to our song… Hoping that the lyrics may come true. I love you.

Josh

1 Comment

  1. Fi 8 years ago

    I’m so sorry you have been through a really really rotten time of it. Have faith that you will end up with someone that loves you for whoever you are. Never give up hope.

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