Depression. Missing you, your family, our future. Regret for my nonsense. Pain. Ugly and sick from this grief. I lied in Letter to My Ex #1 when I said I was better. Dishonesty. The beginning. The reason for the ends.
Today’s chilling realization:
You probably regard me similarly to how I recall G; infrequently, vaguely grateful, dull relief.
I’m plunged into shame, doused with humiliation. Cold.
I continue to bear this torch for you. For us.
Believing contentment is our couplehood’s birthright. I twice-thwarted its steady fruition through my own self-centeredness; abandoning serenity and our connection, destroying the subtle bliss. Sacrilege.
From HONY, “When someone wrongs us, we want the maximum amount of punishment. But when we do wrong, we want the maximum amount of understanding and forgiveness.”
If you ever wished me ill, rest assured it has been granted.
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow –
Mar 06 2016 (5 months NFS)
Letter to My Ex #2
I know this isn’t about me, but I wouldn’t wish ill on someone.
Like you said, people wish forgiveness and understanding when they do wrong.
If anything, take comfort in knowing most everything is temporary. Your pain will subside, but take care that the lessons learned from it do not.
Thank you for your reply. Parts of it could have been written by B/D.
You are right. I’m remembering these lessons. I am indelibly saturated with remorse’s wisdom.
But, apologies, you are wrong that this pain will subside. I hurt. An everlasting heartache. By losing B’s/D’s favorable opinion of me, I’ve lost a kind, decent, steadfast, wise, funny, sensual, intelligent, and warm human being preferring me over all others. And now (too late) I know that I prefer B/D more than any one else. B/D was right to leave me. I was toxic. So I suffer – I believe each painful thought – this loss is insurmountable. It’s agony.
Yes, I’m learning from this pain. Yes, I’m taking the best care that’s possible under these excruciating circumstances. But unless I do the impossible, it will persist. Because if I accept its ultimate lesson – “A romantic connection cannot fulfill me” – then maybe this suffering would actually dissipate – the experts all assure me of the liberation up there on that high road – but all probability of happily-ever-after with my soulmate and the conscious, precious family that accompanies our bond would fly away too – just dust in the wind – and then what’s the point?
I lost my soul-family when I ravaged and desolated B/D and our relationships. They are so different from the family I grew up in. I belong there. And I miss them.
Again, thank you for your comment. It helps to receive kind attention from another conscious, supportive soul.
Apr 28 2016 (206 days NFS)
Letter to My Ex #2 Reply #1
You might have unearthed the trouble in your reply though. You said you were toxic. I have no way of confirming this one way or the other, but, if that’s what you really believe, then it gives you something to work on. You won’t be good to your ex, or anyone new, if you’re still carrying the toxic garbage that screwed things up. You won’t be doing any kind of good for yourself either.
I don’t get the other part though. If you really believe a romantic connection can’t be fulfilling for you, it may be better just to leave them alone. You don’t want to get into something bigger just because you’re bored or lonely. It’s kind of like how people will tell you it’s a bad idea to drink when you’re sad; it’s an equally bad idea to get into something with someone because you’re bored or lonely. You’re expecting too much in the wrong way.
Like you’ll, eventually, wish you could drink the sadness away, but end up drinking too much and puking your guts out. Kind of the same thing. You’ll end up hopping from meaningless fling to meaningless fling, and that’ll only reinforce the idea that you’ll never find fulfillment in a committed relationship; because none of the flings manifested into something greater, because they were never approached as potentially being something greater.
I’ve heard the saying “The best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new”. I think it would serve people much better if the saying went “The best way to get over an ex is to get on top of yourself”.
Lastly, try not to mix thinking and emotions. Thought is calm, logical, and rational. Emotions are wild, untamed, and raw. Mixing the two is like oil and water, except they react to each other like baking soda and vinegar. You just end up with a big ass mess everywhere.
If you’re in a spot where you can be calm, be calm, and think about things. If you’re in a spot where you’re feeling emotional, feel emotional. It’s tough though – life doesn’t always afford us those ideal opportunities, and you’ll probably be forced into situations where you’re going to need to think while dealing with emotional states. Do your best – nobody expects perfection, except maybe you from yourself.
You will get through it though. It may take a good, long while, but you’ll get there, eventually. You may still feel things when you think of them, but it won’t always be a terrible, soul-crushing pain. Eventually, it turns into a dull ache. Just give yourself enough time.
Dear Don, Thank you again for your kind reply. I received it immediately via notification. Each day I’ve wanted to reply and describe something about this pain, but what to say? It persists. I’ve invited it to take me over; to do as it will, to have its way with me. Today I saw a youtube video that penetrates the heart of this loss. This breakup (i.e. banishment, divorce, severing) seem to echo the exhausting war that has waged on the stage of “my life.” Disconnected from source, lost in the addiction to the story of “me.” I pray B/D would risk our full connection again, as a creation, as a self-expression, completely made up, since it is all there is. And simultaneously it’s not true at all. Not two. Peace. Home.
“Jeff Foster ‘Conscious Relating: the Power of Honesty’ interview by Eleonora Gilbert”
Q: Are relationships important or even relevant when it comes to waking up from the dream of separation? If there is no separate self, if I am simply the wide open space in which life happens, are relationships as we know them even possible? Can open space be in relationship with open space?
Yours and ours,
Jun 06 2016 (8 months NFS)
Letter to My Ex #2 Reply #2
Don, This is a much shorter version.
“Jeff Foster Talking about Relationships”
At 3:09 another man (Richard Miller?) says every act is building up or tearing down. He makes it seem problematic – but to me that is the point. It feels like “I want” the chance to spend the time I have left on this planet building those loving connections and experiencing the freedom and peace in close proximity to B/D and their family. And to make Living Amends for all the past incidences where I tore down. B/D deserved so much more kindness from me than I ever created.
Yet, we are all still completely alone,
Jun 06 2016 (246 days NFS)
Letter to My Ex #2 Reply #3
Sorry it took so long. The site was down for me for a long time. Something about a virus.
-Q: Are relationships important or even relevant when it comes to waking up from the dream of separation?-
As far as I see it, yes. It’s kind of a spin on his Waves and Oceans thing. Yes, everyone is their own individual wave, but those waves still make up the ocean. Millions of individuals make up the collective. You can kind of bounce that off the idea that we’re all one collective consciousness learning more about our self through each other.
– If there is no separate self, if I am simply the wide open space in which life happens, are relationships as we know them even possible? Can open space be in relationship with open space? –
We can look at that from a scientific point of view, and say yes, simply because galaxies collide and become bigger galaxies. Two individual galaxies collided to become one giant “super galaxy”.
I guess I don’t worry about relationships in a “collective consciousness” sense. I acknowledge that there may be a collective consciousness, but simultaneously acknowledge that I am just one individual person, and my perception can only stretch so far. On the other hand, I don’t think of collective consciousness as a particular group of “awakened” people. Even those who are “asleep” and “dreaming” are part of that collective consciousness. The Bernie Sanders supporter and the Trump supporter are both part of the same collective consciousness.
Love and Hate grow from the root of passion. Complete polar opposite manifestations of passion. I believe when you strengthen one, you weaken the other. For example, “love” of one’s religion can bring one to “hate” those who don’t follow. As “hatred” on non-followers lessens the “love” of their religion, lessening one’s “hatred” of those who don’t follow, and even an acceptance and “love” of their “ideological enemy”, can create a greater sense of “love”. I guess there, though, the real difference is what one is passionate about : people. Either in making everyone see things the same way, or finding the beauty in everyone seeing things differently. One aims to, more or less, enslave and enforce people, while the other frees them, and lifts restrictions on them.
And that is the collective consciousness in a nutshell. It’s a chaotic mess of mixed everything. People that want to help themselves, people that want to help others, people that want to hurt themselves, and people that want to hurt others…and many more states of mind…all existing as one consciousness. My advice would be…channel whatever the “consciousness” puts through you at any given time. You are your own individual expression and representation of your own individual chunk of consciousness.
In other words : Just be you.
As far as building up and tearing down, the only thing I can think of there is lyrics from an Eyedea song. “I can only build if I tear the walls down”.
I think you should try to talk with B/D. If it really means that much to you, the least you can do for yourself is to take a shot at it. At the very least, you’ll know where you stand with B/D, and then the healing can begin. Whether that means you heal together or apart remains to be seen, but, given enough time, you will heal regardless.
They may want to keep you at arms length, or they may not want anything to do with you. They may feel relieved, and fall back into your arms. You won’t know unless you act.
I guess, too, it depends on what you think is more important. If you’re more concerned with a collective consciousness than your own, that’s your choice. Will you, yourself, feel “love” if the collective consciousness is full of it? Or can you only feel what is tangible to the senses? To your own senses and perception?
My suggestion is to worry about you. The collective will learn as you learn. You are Legion. You are Many. You are One. XD lol
I noticed this site was having issues and missed it while it was unavailable. Clearly I’m not the only human caught in this fallacy that “A romantic connection will make me happy.” Witnessing this error as it continuously harms the masses produces an oddly soothing and reassuring balm of “I’m the “normal” amount of lunatic.”
I saw your last reply almost immediately and, still profoundly grieving, I just didn’t know what to say. Thank you for your kind attention and thoughtful analysis. You’re perceptive. And brave.
I’ve promised too many people who’ve supported me through this grief I will remain “No Contact.” Anyway, B/D would reject me again. e.g. this list: http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/15-ways-to-know-its-time-to-break-up/ I’m sure B/D had at least 80% of these concerns about me. Any chance of reconciliation doesn’t exist. After almost a year of separation they’re not thinking of me.
I won’t couple as long as a) I think a relationship is missing and b) I think B/D is the best one.
Instead, I’m cuddling up to this hurt I’ve rejected and abandoned all my life. It evidently wants me to get to know it. And I’ve spent decades treating it like a terrorist, avoiding it, banishing it, hating it, covering it up, pretending like it isn’t there, ignoring it, denying it, bossing it around, and shaming it. No wonder I’m not free.
Enough with being prejudice toward half of myself.
Dark Sides Matter,
July 30 2016 (299 days NFS)
Letter to My Ex #2 Reply #4
Thank you, Rachel! It is good to see the site again.
You brought up a lot of stuff in that last reply, and so I don’t end up wandering all over the place with my response (which will probably happen anyway), I want to go over some of the things in a point by point basis.
**Clearly I’m not the only human caught in this fallacy that “A romantic connection will make me happy.”**
No, you’re most definitely not alone in that, though I think it’s kind of a two part problem. On the one hand, relationships are pushed on people one way or the other. Speaking from a guy’s perspective (at least one that’s chosen to be alone for the time being) people will often attack the choice to be alone through attacking one’s sexuality. “You don’t want a girlfriend? What, are you gay now?” Single people are often portrayed in media as being miserable and lonely (though I think there’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely). That plays into the second part of the problem : that relationships are often presented as a cure-all of sorts. Again, going to media, the miserable lonely person seems to have all of their other problems just magically melt away as soon as “that special someone” comes into their life. The trouble there is that they’re filling a “hole” inside themselves with another person, as opposed to finding out what’s caused that hole and “patching it up”.
That kind of leads into another question in and of itself : what if the “hole” is loneliness? It’s not to invalidate that emotion, but I think loneliness stems from one not being comfortable in their own skin; they can’t stand their own company. I think a person is, at least partially, ready to be in a relationship, if they choose, when they have comfort in being alone. When they don’t *need* someone to be there, that’s when they’re *ready* for someone to be there. They make the mistake of using a relationship as a form of self-validation, while also invalidating those who are not in a relationship. “Say what you want about me, but at least I have a girlfriend, unlike you, you fucking loser! I bet you couldn’t even get one if you tried!” It doesn’t stop there though. When confronted with someone else in a relationship, the goalposts shift as to who is further along in the “progression” of a relationship. “Well, how many kids do you have? None? Yeah, I thought so! I’ve got, like, 4! You’re such a loser! I bet you can’t even have kids! I bet you can’t even get it up to have kids! Talk to me when you’re a “real man”, okay loser?”
The best thing is for a person to validate themselves through themselves, not validation through someone else’s standards or ideals.
**…I will remain “No Contact.”**
Might be good, might not be. In some cases, that rule should probably be, at the very least, bent. My ex still has things of mine that I want back, but I’ll probably never see them again, as she’s gone “No Contact”.
**Anyway, B/D would reject me again.**
They might, and they might not.
**I’m sure B/D had at least 80% of these concerns about me.**
Honestly, I think most people have those concerns, even with platonic relationships.
**Any chance of reconciliation doesn’t exist.**
You may be right about this, but I think it would beg asking ; whose decision was/is that? Are people just unwilling to compromise?
**After almost a year of separation they’re not thinking of me.**
Again, you may be right about this. Speaking from personal experience, however, I think about all of my exes at one time or another; some more than others. If I had to condense my train of thought down to a sentence it would be “We might be incompatible, and we may have had our ugliness about us, but I remember what was beautiful about it, and, despite how they may feel towards me, I hope they’re doing better, and are legitimately happy wherever they are now.”
I don’t think if you ever legitimately love someone that it will ever go away. I think love goes beyond “they make me happy”. I have some friends I no longer talk to. Whatever caused us to gravitate away from one another, I remember that, at some point, we were neigh inseparable. And, should they ever truly need it, I’m a phone call away to help when the situation is dire. But, no, I don’t want to hang out at the bar or whatever. We’re not what we once were for a reason, but that doesn’t mean I stopped giving a damn about your well being.
**Instead, I’m cuddling up to this hurt I’ve rejected and abandoned all my life. It evidently wants me to get to know it. And I’ve spent decades treating it like a terrorist, avoiding it, banishing it, hating it, covering it up, pretending like it isn’t there, ignoring it, denying it, bossing it around, and shaming it. No wonder I’m not free.
Enough with being prejudice toward half of myself.**
The first thing to come to mind here is a quote from Nietzsche : “Beware that, when hunting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster…for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.”
You very well may have a dark side, but it does not make up the whole of you. It’s Yin and Yang. There is light, and there is darkness. Embrace the whole. Embrace when you feel the light, and embrace when you feel the darkness, but understand there needs to be a balance. I also think of Khalil Gibran’s musings on Pain.
Lastly, I keep noticing you’re keeping something of a “clock”. Reminds me of a song…
You might have to embrace that “dark” part of yourself, at least for a little while. If you’re more inclined to “acting through light” you might get burnt out quickly. Which, honestly, would be normal too. Most people, by nature, aren’t “super villains”. In my experience (personal and otherwise), the softest people use darkness as a cloak / shield. It’s kind of a double-edged sword. Yeah, you’re keeping those that would do you harm away, but you’re also keeping those that wouldn’t out as well. Experience is one helluva teacher though. Eventually, you’ll get to a point where you won’t need armor, because you’ll be proficient at “using a sword”. With that, if you can find it, a book that helped me after my last break-up was ‘Hagakure : Book of the Samurai’. You can sort of condense some of the lessons I learned in watching this. You’ll pick it up if you’re perceptive, which judging by your responses so far, shouldn’t be an issue for you. 🙂
Hopefully I haven’t meandered too far off the path here. We can keep talking though. I keep checking back for responses, so I’ll be around.
Don! Haven’t clicked all the links yet, but had to express thanks for the laugh-out-loud pleasure of those relationship comparisons. More later. S/S
Hopefully it made sense, and I didn’t miss the mark too badly. I’m glad you got a laugh out of it anyway.
Hey there. It’s been a couple months, and I’m kind of curious if things have worked out, or where you are on your path.
Thank you for asking.
I’m still completely stuck.
Out of desperation (and maybe exhaustion (?) from trying to fend off the hurt, rejection, depression, and regret) I unfortunately succumbed to the “getting under someone else” method. But it didn’t help at all. It has caused more stress and disrupted what may have been the little bit of progress I was making. Worse yet, I picked someone who is so broken and vulnerable, that I fear they will be quite hurt when I end it (which I’m having trouble getting up the guts to do). The way B/D ended it with me was so awful (to me) that I never want to treat another person the way I was treated. I’m not a victim, but it occurred to me as very unkind and betraying, especially after everything B/D had promised me and all the good I had tried to bring to the relationship (so I felt used and abused). And I don’t want this (new) person to suffer the same way I did – but I don’t know how to avoid it – and they have been very kind and good to me (but it still isn’t a fit).
I know you’ve been entirely attentive to my recovery – and this tread has focused thus far on that – but I do wonder how you’re doing? I hope this update finds you well – and certainly better than I’m fairing.
Again, thank you for your attention, Don.
Nov 07 2016 (399 days NFS)
Letter to My Ex #2 Reply #5
I hate to hear of your troubles. I was hoping things were going better for you, though what you said does explain your absence. I was hoping maybe you’d worked something out with B/D.
There’s really not much to say about myself. I’m single and staying that way long into the foreseeable future. More focused on myself and what I need and want. I’m very much alone, but far from lonely. Since 2014 I’ve had a large number of relationships break down irreparably, and I’ve decided to make solitude my sanctuary.
It’s not that I don’t care for others, I just don’t feel that care is reciprocated. It’s better for me this way, it seems. I feel more calm and focused. More driven, more willing to make things happen. Lastly, I refuse to put up with, and be tied to, any sort of bullshit. And there’s a lot of that to go around these days it seems.
All in all, though, I feel peace, contentment, and a sense of self-assurance. I feel the path I’m on now is good for me.
If it seems strange to you that I would care about your recovery while being as I am…the only thing I can think to say is you’re thinking about it too much. Not everyone that seeks solitude is a misanthrope. I quite enjoy people when things are good. I just find that when things are bad people can be very ugly in their treatment of others. I’m trying to rid myself that ugliness. I forget who said it, and I’d be paraphrasing, but “Arguments do not have to become quarrels.”. You don’t need to be hostile towards those you disagree with.
I guess the best I can explain is, if I can, I’d like to help others find their way to the light, because I’m familiar with the pitfalls of the dark. Then again, the idea isn’t lost on me that I’ve found my light by virtue of finding my own way out of the dark. The irony can be entertaining. Despite my intention to help, I may be doing more harm than good. On the other hand, “you can lead a horse to water…”.
You seem too kind to suffer as you do, though the kind seem to suffer harder. They seem to beat themselves up more.
You can recover, and you will, with time and effort. You just have to give yourself that time.
It’s a very apt comparison, but think of it like quitting a drug (something I also have experience with). I may like how it makes me feel, and I may want it now, but it will only make doing what is good for me harder.
You yourself said you may need to wallow in darkness for a while, and embrace it.
Soak in the regret, and the hurt. Let the lesson seep into your bones, and learn it’s lesson might you recite it at a moment’s notice. Just don’t let depression get the better of you. Hurt and regret are hard teachers because they hurt. They force us to confront ugliness, either cast upon us or from within ourselves. From there, you have choices. If ugliness is thrown at you, you can let it go, like water off a ducks back. You can’t help how others act, only your reaction to their actions. If the ugliness is within, you can let it fester and poison you, or do your best to fight it and rid yourself of it.
Anyway. Take as good of care of yourself as possible. Have hope you’ll find a way out some day. In the meantime, find some form of peace of mind in the dark. Know the pain you feel now will teach you how to find a light some day.