Every morning I wake up with a little more hope, that in the evening, I won’t be crying over you.
Every evening I find myself curled up in bed, on the floor of the bathroom, in the shower, with tears in my eyes that never seem to stop as the music blasts trying to hide my screams from anyone who might be listening.
Every morning I hope that when I see you I will not light up like the sun while my heart cracks just a little bit more.
Every morning I wake up thinking that the ducktape, glue and self-love that I applied that night, would hold me through the day and keep my heart from trying to burst at the sight of you.
I knew you were a weakness. I know that I would love you.
Every morning I thank god that I loved you and every evening I asked myself why I allowed myself to fall.
Every morning I wake up with the security that what we had was good, even if it was only for a little while and every night, after the hard gym session that you should have been there for, right by my side, spotting me, supporting me, encouraging me… I ask myself why did I do it.
Why did I believe you when you said you loved me. Obviously, you didn’t. No one falls out of love in four hours.
It was four hours, of you talking to your ex and me waiting to see if the boy I loved – yes boy, you are not a man yet – would come back to me the same or would have changed his mind.
I see you changed your mind.
You found what you wanted and no amount of “I love you”s is going to ever make it better.
Every morning I wake up with the self-respect and self-love that every mother wants for their daughter. And every evening it crumbles away.
I woke up at 1:00 and I’m going to keep my self-respect until I go to sleep.
I’m going to stop asking what you see in her and start pitying you because you will never get her.
I will stop asking why I was not enough and instead thank the lord I wasn’t because one day I will find someone who believes I am.
I will stop wondering what I did wrong and why you led me on and instead allow my anger to come around that you wasted my time.
You never deserved me, and even if you never realize the amazing thing you just turned down, I will.
Someone who loves themselves more than you.