I didn’t know that I don’t know. Now I know that I don’t know.

I didn’t know that I don’t know. Now I know that I don’t know.

I didn’t know that I don’t know. Now I know that I don’t know.

LTME-postReal category: “What I wish I could tell you”

There are many things I would like to tell you. A great many even. I cannot argue with reality however, since four years ago you decided you did not wish to stay. So, instead of telling you face-to-face, I’ll use this letter, with the hopes that my intentions and thoughts will reach you in some way.

Looking back I cannot say that I made the right choices or the wrong ones. Since I am not able to see how my actions will ripple across eternity.

What I can say is this. I loved you. I loved you because you made me feel at home, as if there was nothing wrong with me. Unfortunately, I hurt you by speaking words I could not know were true or not. I spoke them with an inner conflict so humongous that as soon as I spoke them I wished to return them to their origin.

Now however. I know that I spoke from illusion. Illusion taught by a society that does everything not to see who they are. Because when we stare into the deep and dark abyss of the infinite unknown we get frightened.
Losing you made me lose myself. I had no idea who I was anymore. I had been in that position before though. At the edge of the abyss. My unwillingness and fear to jump into the infinite then was what ended up hurting you. For that I am truly sorry.

Since I was already familiar with this feeling. I thought I’d get to the bottom of this pain even-though I was frightened. Looking back, trying to get to the bottom of something that is infinite is quite the endeavor. Either way, I spent the last 4 years trying to find what makes me happy. I sought it everywhere. Women, drugs, alcohol, parties, knowledge, more knowledge, control, giving up control, the past, the future, responsibility, giving up responsibility.

Today I woke up and seemingly out of nowhere, I knew. I know that I don’t know where to find happiness. Because if I find it, I can lose it. If happiness is an object it is subject to my interpretation of what it should be. None of those things can be true happiness.

I spent 7 years getting psychiatric help and I found no happiness, 5 of which before we were even dating. I could blame those who treated me for their ineptitude. But I know they were good people. Trying to do the right thing. So, I won’t, do that, I will not resort to blame.

I also know now however, that by telling me there was something wrong with how I was acting, the people who loved me inadvertently made my situation worse.
They casted a moral judgement, one which is prevalent in our society, “Do not act outside of what society has deemed acceptable behavior”. Then psychiatrists come into action and cast another judgment, “What you have is a brain disease. You have no control over it though, so let us fix it.”.

The former had the effect of being cast aside by those who supposedly love you most. The later has the effect of stripping you of nearly all your hope. What hope you have left is placed in the hands of someone who has no first-hand knowledge of any of the things he or she is treating. The ones that do, know that they have no cure and if they’re lucky, they know there is no cure because they proposing a solution to a problem that does not exist.

Again, there is no blame here. Just a retelling of what I seem to have found. I’ve read a lot about psychiatry. Especially how their entire practice is based on 1 single assumption. That they know what caused my “wrong behavior” and how to fix it.
I see very, very clearly now that at the root of that assumption is a hidden assumption. The one that assumes they know “right behavior” from “wrong behavior”. They don’t. They are not gods. Their moral judgements over what is right and wrong have no more value than those of others. They occupy the same space as priests and philosophers did in the past. They have entered a space of moral judgment to which they have no claim.

I could not see the bind I was in. Because I believed their gospel as if it were the truth. They took away my chance at feeling responsible for my actions. Since I had a “disease” I had no sense of responsibility for my actions, after all my actions were determined by my “disease”.
Unfortunately, at the age of 18 the only thing you know is that you should listen to authority. With the assumption they know more than you do. So, I had no defense against any of the things they told me were true.

If there is one thing I am truly sorry for, is that this misunderstanding, this falsehood that was trust upon me, took away my sense of responsibility and hurt the one person I never, ever wished to hurt.
You meant the world to me. In fact you were my world, you were the first person who looked into my core and saw nothing wrong. That’s what made me happy.

Unfortunately, I thought that you were the one responsible for making me feel like that. So, I did what any person seeking happiness would do. Make sure that this happiness you stumbled upon does not vanish. This caused me to act clingy, dependent, overly-attached and to be very honest, creepy and controlling.

This too I looked at the past 4 years. If it were true that you were responsible for my happiness. Then what caused the happiness I had when you were not there? Or what caused my unhappiness when you were not there?
I found out that it wasn’t that you who caused my happiness. It was the sense of acceptance I thought you gave me. That regardless of my flaws, which I now know were based on false assumptions, I was acceptable just for being me.
Later I found the only reason I felt that you were the one who gave me that, is because I felt I wasn’t good enough in the first place. No-one can make you feel acceptable if you already know you are.

I do not blame you for leaving, you were absolutely right in doing so. I do not blame anyone in fact. All of what has seemingly happened was based on one false assumption. An assumption that we know what is right and what is wrong, what should be and what should not be. When all we know is what exists now, nothing more, nothing less.

All that I have left to say is this. I wish that one day I could face you. Look into your eyes and stare into your infinite essence and speak these words.

“I didn’t know that I don’t know. Now I know that I don’t know.”

I sincerely hope the best for you, that all your wishes come true. That you find someone who understands that they don’t know why you do what you do and that they don’t know why they do what they do.
I will love you for the rest of my life and I thank you for the time, love and acceptance you gave me. You truly are a blessing to this world.

– R


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