To wonderful J,
When we met 21 years ago, I was 19 and I had no idea that I had met a soulmate. I had no idea that your words and affection were real. 
I had no idea of anything; as you now know, I was living in the midst of an abusive mother who mentally tortured me during my whole life bit none more so than those years after reporting my father for his abuse of me. I didn’t know which way was up and I had no idea that you could be the one to throw me a rope whilst I was drowning.

You never knew back then because I was so terrified and ashamed of what I had been through. I wish I had told you… I wish I hadn’t been frightened by your genuine love and affection which caused me to hurt you more than once. You and I both know what happened… I will never, ever forgive myself for my actions. I bitterly regret them.
You told me you loved me but I didn’t recognise what love looked like or felt like, so I didn’t realise then that I was crazy about you and falling in love. I remember the affection and fun we had between each other. The dancing at the clubs and feeling like I was always walking on air when I was with you. You made me so happy in the short time we knew each other. I still miss those long, soft kisses whilst listening to Porcelain by Moby in your car.
Years passed without you and I buried my broken heart and pain. I got hurt and used by other men. I got married. 

When I reached out to you a few years ago, it was to send very overdue apologies about how much I hurt you. I didn’t expect kindness or even a reply… but you’re still the good man you have always been. Your wife is really lucky. I also didn’t expect a revival of the butterflies that lived inside for you. They came back to life and I felt alive for the first time in a long time. It wasn’t just the excitement of those feelings… it was because it’s you. My life crashed after I lost you and it’s only now that I realise this. Everything kept going wrong.

I think there was still some spark between us. We were even reminiscing about songs we danced to together. I knew that you still felt something. I tried to keep my feelings of renewed affection for you quiet but I finally caved in and confessed. I guess it’s karma that finally found me as we were in turmoil again and you broke communication with me.
Off and on, off and on, until now; I have lost you once more and I have no hope in rekindling a friendship with you. 

I miss you so much that it hurts. I can’t quit you… not in my heart or my mind, and I don’t want to. I listen to songs that take me back and make me wish so hard for a chance to be with you again and to never hurt you. I listen to break-up songs to try and ease the ache in my soul.
I’m loyal to my husband and I would never actually start an affair (it would be heartbreakingly ironic) but I want you still. My heart will never stop longing for you. If this is the price I have to pay for what I did then I’ll gladly pay it. Maybe in another life we can try again. 
All my affections now and forever,
S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx